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IELTS - Tourism: good or bad? - it's a modern form of colonialism


SalMon 27 / 113 10  
May 27, 2014   #1
Topic: Tourism is a modern form of colonialism. It distorts local economies, causes environmental damage and ruins the places it exploits.
To what extent would you support or reject this idea?

Could you guys review my essay? Thanks a lot :)

Tourism, since its first appearance a long time ago, can be described as a controversial celebrity. Some believe that tourism is attributed to domestic economic distortion, environmental devastation and irrepairable damage to the exploited places. However, I strongly disagree with this misconcept for the two following reasons.

First of all, tourism plays an indispensable role in nurturing the economy in a way it is meant to be. Basically, places of interest often locate in the wilderness areas, of which economy, before their appearance, haven't blossmed yet. Not until the investment of some companies do chains of hotels and services spring up. It will, by all means, attract considerable attention which goes hand in hand with the enormous income for the local residents. In other word, tourism helps divert the local economy to its right direction, which exploit the best out of its own potential.

Secondly, even though environmental damage is inevitable, it is not tourism to be blamed for. In order to turn a wilderness into a place of attraction, the planners must have taken the nourishment of the sceneries into thorough consideration. To be precise, for instance, a fortune is spent on trimming the trees, watering the flowers, preserving and balancing the local fauna and flora, in the hope of beautifying the wild. Not to mention ecotourism, a new kind of environment-friendly service, which gives all environmentalists and nature lovers a hand in raising the awareness of people in protecting their coexistent creatures. Because of that, tourism should not be alledged to be notorous for its detriment to the ecological diversity.

All thing considered, tourism has proven its friendly attitude towards the exploited areas in terms of finance and environmental impact. In my opinion, the combination of tourism and teaching process is highly recommended in pursuit of a harmonial relationship between human and their surroundings.
AngelaB 7 / 14  
May 27, 2014   #2
tourism helps divert the local economy to its right direction, which exploitS
KMeghji 8 / 20 7  
May 27, 2014   #3
However, I strongly disagree with this misconcept for the two following reasons.

I strongly disagree with this mis concept for the reasons mentioned below .
OP SalMon 27 / 113 10  
May 27, 2014   #4
Thank you! Next time better :)
candy07 9 / 33 6  
May 29, 2014   #5
However, I strongly disagree with this misconcept for the two following reasons.

- Misconception or concept

in a way it is meant to be
candy07 9 / 33 6  
May 29, 2014   #6
of which economy, before their appearance, haven't blossmed yet.

- such areas when converted to tourist places can give a boost to the economy of that place.

Not until the investment of some companies do chains of hotels and services spring up

- Many companies such as chains of hotels and restaurants invest in tourist places

It will, by all means, attract considerable attention which goes hand in hand with the enormous income for the local residents. In other words

- This attracts considerable attention of tourists which further goes hand in hand with

tourism helps divert the local economy to its right direction, which exploit the best out of its own potential.

Therefore it is clear that tourism helps in the growth of economy which is beneficial for the local residents as well as the governments

Because of that, tourism should not be alledged to be notorous for its detriment to the ecological diversity.

It is felt that tourism should not be held responsible to be detrimental for the environment
.

teaching process is highly recommended in pursuit of a harmonial relationship between human and their surroundings

- In conclusion you should only summarise what you have already written in the body paragraphs. Teaching process does not make it clear what you want to state in conclusion

Hi
I have made some changes in a way I choose to write. I tend to use simple words and easily understandable language. I hope this helps

Thanks
OP SalMon 27 / 113 10  
May 29, 2014   #7
Thank you Candy07! Really appreciate your time on my essay :D
Yeah I agree that I tend to use so many complicated structure. I will try with my next essay. Will you review it for me?
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
May 30, 2014   #8
Tourism, since its first appearance a long time ago, can be described as a controversial celebrity. Some believe that tourism is attributed to domestic economic distortion, environmental devastation and irrepairable damage to the exploited places. However, I strongly disagree with this misconcept for the two following reasons.

Impressive intro :)

First of all, tourism plays an indispensable role in nurturing the economyin a way it is meant to be.

.... What do you mean by "in a way it is meant to be"?
I feel it reads better without that part;
First of all, tourism plays an indispensable role in nurturing the economy

Basically, places of interest often locate in the wilderness areas, of which economy, before their appearance, haven't blossmedblossomed yet.

... you have the tendency for constructing too complicated sentences for very simple ideas. That gives more work for the reader to understand the content which he would not like for sure , so does your examiner :D

You write well, but give more priority for clarity of your ideas :)
OP SalMon 27 / 113 10  
May 30, 2014   #9
I see! Thank you very much Dumi :) I am trying to fix that. It just... if I write too simple sentence, i might feel somehow insecured (?!) I mean I am afraid it will not be academic or the essay is too simple somehow... What do you think?
candy07 9 / 33 6  
May 30, 2014   #10
Hi Salmon
I feel if sentences are grammatically correct and the word choice is appropriate, the essay is more academic rather than choosing complicated words and sentences which requires an extra effort from examiner. If the examiner has to read a sentence second time, this shows the meaning is not comprehended in the first reading. Complex sentences should be written but not complicated sentences.

Thanks
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
May 30, 2014   #11
In order to turn a wilderness into a place of attraction, the planners must have taken the nourishment of the sceneries into thorough consideration.

I feel the middle part of this sentence is a bit overly done :( ...."nourishment of the sceneries"? ... I agree with dumi on this;

You write well, but give more priority for clarity of your ideas :)

Also, in this second para, you talk about the other side of the argument. However, your prompt asks you to -

To what extent would you support or reject this idea?

and in the introduction you say -

However, I strongly disagree with this misconcept for the two following reasons.

... So, why do you talk about the opposite side of your view? In the body paras, you need to keep defending your view by giving reasons as to why you hold that view and supporting those reasons with examples.
OP SalMon 27 / 113 10  
May 30, 2014   #12
Also, in this second para, you talk about the other side of the argument. However, your prompt asks you to -
SalMon:
To what extent would you support or reject this idea? and in the introduction you say -

Thanks for your comment Pahan :) But what can I do to think and brainstorm such sentence simplier? And I'm confused by this comment cuz I followed my prompt quite well, I think? There is no misdirection in this paragraph? I disagree from top to bottom?
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Jun 7, 2014   #13
I see! Thank you very much Dumi :) I am trying to fix that. It just... if I write too simple sentence, i might feel somehow insecured (?!) I mean I am afraid it will not be academic or the essay is too simple somehow... What do you think?

... I feel that is a misconception held by many students. For me, what is more important in writing is clarity of our ideas and an interesting and logical flow of them. To make it look more academic you can use the most appropriate vocabulary for the ideas. Simplicity in writing is not going to penalize you with your score, but may compliment you with more marks for expressing your ideas in a very cohesive and comprehensive manner.
OP SalMon 27 / 113 10  
Jun 7, 2014   #14
Thanks! Now I got it !


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