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My Town: Six independent pairs of eyes fling suspicious glances at me, they shake heads in confusion


dchege711 2 / 6 1  
Nov 26, 2014   #1
The man next to me violently puffs out clouds of smoke from his mouth like an overburdened locomotive. He silently chases me to the other side of this wobbly bench.

One man, a woman and a second man atop a motorcycle, none has a helmet.
A young man carries a bucket full of water on his left shoulder. Splash - Splash! The water protests
A boy tugs his car - an empty biscuit carton with sticks and bottle tops at its base - across the rough uneven road. Both the car and the driver bounce in exhilaration.

Three youth hammering nails into a new market stall
A couple walks by hand in hand. If only the lady could donate half of her smile to the gentleman.
Three bars. I can't see a hotel. I'm hungry.
A man staggers. I confirm the hour. It is barely eleven in the morning.
The newly painted purple building is incongruous with its neighbouring companions.
Incessant cries of keyboards being assaulted by ruthless swift fingers ring the lonely Tech-Savvy Cyber Café.
A motorbike zooms past. This one carries a silver barrel of KEG.
A dog sniffing all over the place
Our couple retraces their path. The gentleman holds an overfed plastic bag. The lady is all giggles.
The woman at Wanyokabi Tailor Shop gives the glossy dark tan cloth material one last look. She scissors it with finesse. Someone will get a suit next week.

A curious boy walks by and peeps into this piece of paper.
A carpenter animatedly hacks at a protruding piece. After a sigh and a stream of sweat, she resumes the fight.
Mother and Son peel potatoes at their front yard.
Some coffee berries lay on a sack in the sun. I am unable to pinpoint their owner.
Three men in black gumboots debate: Two hundred thousand was too much...No, Mzee Njogu is a rich man... (The rest is inaudible from this distance)

Six independent pairs of eyes fling suspicious glances at me. I abbreviate my soft drink in three gulps. They shake their heads in confusion.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 26, 2014   #2
puffs out clouds of smoke from his mouth...-- suggest killing that unnecessary word.

I cannot offer more criticism! This is great poetry. I enjoyed it a lot, and I see that it is like a haiku or Japanese ink painting that captures individual moments and shows them to the reader. This really is a nice experience. Your word choice is entrancing.

What does all this mean? It makes me so curious. And that is the magic of great writing. You can make the reader want to know what it all means. Maybe you do not intend to tell what it means. But if you want to share an idea with readers this is a good opportunity. Maybe in the last few lines you could att a line or two to tell what conclusion you want the reader to consider after all these scenes, all these glimpses you share with them.

Great writing.
OP dchege711 2 / 6 1  
Nov 26, 2014   #3
Thanks for the correction. I want the reader to have a glimpse of where I come from, and make his/ her own conclusion. :-D


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