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IELTS; all towns and cities to have public spaces


MiaCuthbert 7 / 25 2  
Jun 19, 2014   #1
TOPIC: It is important for all towns and cities to have public spaces such as squares and parks. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

ANSWER:
It is irrefutable that public places such as squares and parks play a prominent role in people's lives. In my opinion, all towns and cities should have such important areas.

First of all, public spaces are used for entertainment. People from all walks of life, including wealthy people and the poors, go to such places to relax and have wonderful times talking and discussing things. Also, squares can be chosen as the places for celebrating vital holidays, especially the New Year Eve. Thus, there are more chances for all citizens to get more closer together since they go to the same places for the same needs, and so build up strong societies. Besides, those places may help to make the cities more beautiful and attracting to both residents and foreign tourists.

Moreover, public areas are the means of reservation. As they are used to celebrate traditional holidays, the cities' cultures are reserved in a beautiful way that may last for thousand years. In New York, for instance , the Madison Square Garden is always the top place to held the biggest music ceremonies in the world such as the Grammy, Billboard Music Awards, MTV Music Awards. What is more, many endangered species of flora can be kept in parks where they are always concerned by people. Therefore, the benefits of such spaces can never be denied.

In conclusion, it seems to me that having public spaces in all districts of nations is always vital to both humans and the environment.

WORDS: 250

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Please help me check this essay and suggest me other alternative words of "public" and "spaces/ places/ areas". All comments are welcomed :)
fikri 5 / 317 71  
Jun 19, 2014   #2
In conclusion, it seems to me that having public spaces in all districts of nations is always vital to both humans and the environment.

I don't think this is the conclusion, you use phrase 'it seems to me', it shows your opinion, not your conclusion,

maybe this conclusion is too short don't you think?

SalMon is right, in the conclusion you may put a suggestion
OP MiaCuthbert 7 / 25 2  
Jun 20, 2014   #3
Thank you for your help :) i'll try to do it better next time.
and yeah I think my conclusion is too short too :D
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Jul 14, 2014   #4
It is irrefutable that public places such as squares and parks play a prominent role in people's lives. In my opinion, all towns and cities should have such important areas.

Ok, this is not a bad introduction. However, I would like to suggest the following approach for your intro for this task;
1. Hook - Write an interesting sentence that can catch the reader's attention
2. Background - Introduce the issue to the reader - you can do this by paraphrasing the prompt
3. Your opinion - Express your view very clearly
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Jul 26, 2014   #5
for instance ,

As I suggest to other students to pay attention to "example' they wrote, some students fail to present a clear example. Therefore, I offer them to have journalistic questions, by how many? who? what? when? results?


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