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Task 2: Traditional culture with money-making purpose. Discuss both views and give opinion

Linh Dieu 8 / 16 1  
Aug 18, 2018   #1
Hope you can leave some comments and give some advices. Thank you all for reading my essay
Some people think that culture traditions may be destroyed when they are used as money-making attractions aimed at tourists. Other believe it is the only way to save these traditions. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

When travel plays a pivotal role in economic developed process, different opinions have gradually appeared to discuss about the main intangible profited resource to maintain the vacation industry's survival. Some people claim that traditional culture will disappear if they are used for trade purpose, but in total this shall be the most important thing helping us save our traditional values from foreign attractions.

On one hand, culture traditions are former values which do not suit with modern age. Tourists' psychology is curious and stimulated with new things so they yearn for weird and peculiar places. If travel agents want to increase profits by attracting tourists, they shall choose which suit with customs' needs, so traditional activities belonging to indigenous culture will easily be dismissed because of their outdated fashions. These cultures bequeth deep-rooted thoughts in a small number of people so they do not proper for a large number of tourists including foreign ones and expats, which can not maximize profits to local and business.

On the other hand, traditions have their own worthy merit in attracting travelers because of specific and unique values, which can not be found in any culture. If we exhibit these achievements, they can escape from the risk of falling into oblivion and being eclipsed by other travelling imported cultures. Moreover, we can maintain culture uniqueness in intergrated process but be assimilated by different countries thanks to public's recognition. For instance, "ao dai" dresses and Chung cake are not only can not disappear from broadcasted activities but also raise the prospect of Vietnam traditional culture to many countries.

To sum up, although traditional values can decrease our potential resources in some extents, but these are vital for our initial civilization and deserve to be well-preserved.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,880 3554  
Aug 19, 2018   #2
Linh, your opening paragraph made my head spin. It was so wordy and needlessly complicated that you ended up not really representing the original prompt as a restatement. Your first sentence alone is a terribly long run-on sentence. The prompt paraphrase for this could have been as simple as follows:

Countries these days entice the interest of tourists by highlighting their traditional culture as tourist showcases. The problem that most people see with this practice is that the culture itself is destroyed in the name of financial gain. However, there are some people who support this method of tourist promotion because it is the only way to continually promote the relevance of their culture. I believe that it would be best to consider both sides of the discussion so that I can offer a personal opinion about it.

You can use the first person pronoun I in this instance because this is a personal opinion essay As a first opinion essay, you cannot help but use the first person pronouns to reference yourself in the writing. This also makes it clear to the reader that you are discussing your point of view already and not the public point of view as represented by the reference to "most people" or "there are some people". The presentation above clearly represents the original prompt topic and discussion instruction in a more complex and originally structured manner.

The presentation does good work of representing the public point of view in the discussion but fails to represent an explanation of your personal opinion in a stand alone paragraph. This 2 POV + Personal POV essay is always done in a 5 paragraph format, never 4. If you do the 4 paragraph format, you will automatically have missed out on representing your personal opinion paragraph which will affect your final score as your TA will only be partially complete and be scored accordingly.

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