Traditional and international music are two forms that are completely different

Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music?

Hello,

Kindly take a look at my answer to the following writing task:

There are many different types of music in the world today.
Why do we need music?
Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

Music is a form of art that has been created and developed through time. It differs according to the era and the region to which it belongs. There are many different types of music in the world today. Traditional and international music are two forms that are completely different because they're made for different publics.

Traditional music helps to know more about the country. It's a major component of its culture. Personally, when imagining how life would be in Ireland or USA, it's hard not to associate the images that cross my mind to the folkloric music of those countries. However, music has evolved with time to become more international and less representative of its origin. A same song can be heard worldwide nowadays at the expense of traditional music that is only used to introduce a country to the world.

As far as I am concerned, traditional music is more important than the international one because it's the legacy that next generations will inherit. It's an element of their identity. By listening and sharing it with foreigners, they remain connected with their roots.

Furthermore, in music industry, music is widely commercialized when it uses catching rhythms and simple lyrics. The K Pop, for example, even if it's defined as a Korean music is more of a pop music sung in Korean language that fits perfectly western standards of image and sound.

To sum up, making an international song make it more successful but it causes it to vanish with time, unlike traditional music that lasts longer.

------------

Thanks
HKAD

Hi @HKad2210
For the Introduction, you should state your intention clearly (e.g: Music plays an important roles in the world today. In this essay, I shall put forth my argument to analysis why we need music and prove traditional music is more important than...)

The body is quite short, I am afraid. In the real exam, you will lose mark for that. You also need to restructure and use aprpriate wording in your essay so that the reader can follow your idea easy. For example:

First of all, the reason people all over the world need music is that it is a major component of any culture....Moreover, the second reason is that...

In my opinion, traditional music is more important than international music. Firstly (reason 1). Furthermore (reason2)
Your vocab is quite good but try to use more complex sentence to raise your band score.
Hope that helps
Good luck with your practice