Could you give some feedback for my Ielts essay?
Topic:"When a country develops its technology, the traditional skills and ways of life die out. It is pointless to try and keep them alive.
To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion?"
These days, most of countries on the world invest for technology. It is evident that technology promotes economy. Many people think that conventional things will not exist and should be eliminated. I totally disagree this opinion.
First of all, traditional skills and ways belong to value of culture. They make differences between countries. Every country has unique tradtions which show their creation, intelligence. Consequently, people feel pround of their country, so they keep reserving conventions. For example, ways to build a house in every country are different and they distinguish between countries.
In addition, in some cases that traditional way can not replace by a new technology. Lot of people like to use traditional things because if their quality and durability. In paticular, vases are made by hand would be used more. Futhermore, there are plenty of works that using traditional way is unique method. For instance, making cone hats from leaves have to use hand. Not only because there is no machine for the work, but also it looks more beautiful when it is made by hand, so resulting in greater value economy.
The last thing is about education. Traditional skills and ways of life will help youngsters study and know more history. Methods which their ancestors used in the past will be displayed again for new generations. After that, they might create somethings that are useful for life.
In conclusion, technology has brought many benefits, but traditional skills and ways are always valuable and will last forever.
In addition, in some cases, that traditional way can not bereplaced by
a new technology. LotLots of people like to use traditional things because ifof their quality and durability. In particular , for example , vases are made by hand would be used more. Futhermore, there are plenty of workswork that using traditional way is unique method. For instance, making cone hats from leaves have to use hand. Not only because there is no machine for the work, but also it looks more beautiful when it is made by hand, so resultingwhich result in greater value economy
Well I get the picture of your essay. However you should practice writing more and more. Your idea is clear, though the sentences are a little bit short and not linked fluently with each other ( you can you transition words ) You should also elaborate on your grammar for it's your weakest point. It seems like you are piece words and words together without any rules which makes me sometimes pretty hard to follow your essay. That's all :) Keep trying :)
[Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476
5 or 4 paragraphs?
Well, if you have a question that you don't like at all, then you can write with a 5-paragraph essay. You write one introduction, three bodies, and one conclusion. This can help you write more words, but some students, that I see, put grandiose ideas, by writing too many words. Uppsss.., remember, 40 minutes to finish your essay are a must :D
Look at what Dumi suggests you with the structure (a 4-paragraph essay). With this structure, you are easy to develop your paragraph properly. This is good for coherence and cohesion between the sentence-to-paragraph-to-essay construction, and for which in the five-paragraph structure this is weak.
I like those arguements offered, but there are some grammar mistakes.
they distinguish between countries.
i have got question, do we need between