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ielts writing, traffic & environmental problems. NEED to improve to Band 7-8


afra514 1 / -  
Oct 2, 2012   #1
Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve the traffic and pollution problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree? what other measures do you think are effective?

As human civilisation evolves into the 21st century, traffic congestion and environmental pollution have become the most severe problems. Whilst some people believe the increase in petrol price and help to solve these problems. Many others tend to argue that we need more than a simple rise in the price of petrol to change our current situation. In this essay, I would, to a large extent, argue that there are more effective solutions.

While it is undeniable that private car use is one of the main cause of the increase in traffic pollution, higher fuel costs are unlikely to limit the number of drivers for long. As I totally understand them that many people so used to having a car and they will not simply give up their transportation just because the rise in the price of petrol. Despite that, private cars also can be seen as a 'status symbol', therefore, increasing the price of petrol can only encourage those who want to show off their wealth to drive more often. Furthermore, the up and down of petrol price can trigger a series of socio-economic problems, such as high inflation, reduce industry profits and less travel, the negative effects may exceed our prediction. It may even drag the economy into recession in some country.

In line with the issues involved, the solution lies in changing our attitude. Firstly, government should raise the public awareness of environmental protection. Hence, individual should start to change their lifestyle in order to protect our only earth. For instance, we can use many alternative ways to get to the destination instead of driving our own cars; bike and public transport can be more environmental friendly than private cars. Another feasible approach would be the improvement of public transport services. Only by doing so, more people will be most willing to use public transport and enjoy this ways of living.

To put in a nut shell, only by making concerted efforts can we expect to reduce the traffic jams and solve the environmental problems, thus avoiding an uninhabitable earth.

annguyen 5 / 9 2  
Oct 14, 2012   #2
Hi,
higher fuel costs are unlikely to limit the number of drivers in the long-term.
that many people are so used to having a car that they will not simply give up....
individuals should start to change their lifestyle
Anyway, your writing is very good.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Oct 16, 2012   #3
Whilst some people believe the increase in petrol price and help to solve these problems.

This sounds like an incomplete sentence. Whilst and While (both mean the same) function mostly as a conjuction to indicate that two different events occur simultaneously.

e.g.
I ate my breakfast while I was driving.
However, it is also used as a noun in certain cases; e.g. I waited a while for her

So, in the above sentence you wrote, I think you wanted to use the word "Whilst" as a conjuction. However, the two clauses are not clearly said. This is my suggestion;
Whilst some people believe the increase in petrol price help solve this problem, others do not view it as an inadequate solution to arrest this issue.


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