Raven, while the advice regarding the grammar changes in your essay is good, a more accurate analysis of your essay is not possible. You have not provided us with the prompt instructions, that is the topic for discussion and discussion instruction, for our baseline in reviewing your essay. It is imperative that you always post the original instructions you were provided in order to allow the contributors to make relevant observations and advice regarding your completed written work.
Basically, the problem with your essay is that the second paragraph uses terms such as furtherly, which is part of archaic English vocabulary that is limited in modern use to scientific writing. An IELTS essay requires more commonly used terms and word considerations. So if you wanted to use the term "further" in this instance, the term should have been "futhermore", which means "in greater addition to". By the way, you need to be careful in writing your essay. Always make sure that you proof read for punctuation errors. At the end of paragraph two, you have a comma, which indicates that additional information is to follow, instead of a period, which would have signified the end of a sentence. Little errors like that mean marked points deduction in your GRA score.
Another sentence structure issue has to do with your presentation in paragraph 4. You were implying that reading alone makes children independent, and yet, in the second sentence, you said
It makes them more dependent and confident
This is a contradiction in terms so you have to make sure that you use consistent descriptive words. Otherwise, you end up changing the meaning in one sentence and rendering your total paragraph confusing. This will result in more deducted points for you.