Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

Ielts General Training Essay on reading for kids


Ravenlui 1 / -  
Sep 14, 2017   #1

shared book reading and parent-child relation



Many children heard lots of stories from their parents. However, some people think that parents is unnecessary to tell their children stories since children can read from various kinds of materials. In my opinion, telling stories by parents are benefit for children.

Reading stories together helps bonding the relationship between parents and children. Nowadays, working parents spend most of time for work rather than family. Their children may feel lonely and disconnect to their parents. Spending some time to read the story together could be an effective way to build the connection to each other. During the reading time, both parents and children share their viewpoint to each other which can develop strong relationship between them,

Furtherly, listening stories from parents helps children's brain development. By listening stories from parents, children are able to improve their memory as well as comprehension skills. It is helpful for them to improve academic performance.

However, it is undeniable that reading stories by children themselves can increasing their independence. By reading stories alone, children can develop their independent thinking skills. It makes them more dependent and confident. What is more, children can easier find their interest by reading stories on their own rather than listening stories from parents because children have freedom to choose what they are interest in.

In conclusion, whether told stories by parents or reading alone are benefit for children. I am quit believe that listening stories from parents are very important for children since children not only may develop induvial skills but also the parent-child relationship.

Wulf 2 / 4 2  
Sep 15, 2017   #2
I have made grammatical edits to your essay in blue, and suggestions in red.

Many children heard hear lots of stories ...
... think that parents is unnecessary it is unnecessary for parents to tell their ...
In my opinion, telling stories stories told by parents are benefit beneficial for children.

... helps bonding and the relationship ...
... spend most of their time for at work rather than with family.
... lonely and disconnect to disconnected from their parents.
... to read the a story together (...) way to build the their connection to each other. During the reading time, (...) their viewpoint to with each other which can develop aid the development of a strong relationship between them.

Furtherly Furthermore, listening to stories from ...
... improve their memory, as well as ...
It is helpful for them to improve academic performance. It also helps improve their academic performance.

However, it is undeniable that reading stories by children themselves reading stories on their own can increasing their increase children's independence.
It makes them more dependent and confident.[1] What is more [2], children can easier easily find their interest (...) to choose what booksthey are interest in.

In conclusion, whether told stories stories are told by parents or when a child is reading alone, there are benefits for children. I am quit [3] truly believe that listening to stories from parents are is very important (...) may develop induvial individual skills, but also ...

[1]This sentence repeats content that was said before. I would recommend taking it out or putting in more detail about the ways reading can help children.

[2]By "What is more," I think you meant "What's more," which isn't really used in formal writing. "What is more" just doesn't sound right. Maybe replace it with "Moreover."

[3] Not quite sure what you wanted to say here.

Nice work, the essay just needs a little tweaking to sound fluent. I think that it would be helpful to other editors if you could provide the essay prompt so that we can help you with the content of your essay. Hope this helps.
tunglinh0907 8 / 18 3  
Sep 15, 2017   #3
Your essay has some grammar mistakes but Wulf has helped you to fix them already. I have some suggestions for you. You are discussing two opposing aspects of the matter: the benefits when children listen to stories from their parents. On the other hand, children can gain benefits when reading by themselves. Therefore, I think you should divide the body into two paragraphs:

1) the benefits when children listen to stories from their parents
2) children can gain benefits when reading by themselves

However, I think the topic want you to focus on child-parent relation more and its meanings. Therefore, you can discuss your essay by telling benefits when parents reading books for their children only.
Holt - / 7,527 2001  
Sep 15, 2017   #4
Raven, while the advice regarding the grammar changes in your essay is good, a more accurate analysis of your essay is not possible. You have not provided us with the prompt instructions, that is the topic for discussion and discussion instruction, for our baseline in reviewing your essay. It is imperative that you always post the original instructions you were provided in order to allow the contributors to make relevant observations and advice regarding your completed written work.

Basically, the problem with your essay is that the second paragraph uses terms such as furtherly, which is part of archaic English vocabulary that is limited in modern use to scientific writing. An IELTS essay requires more commonly used terms and word considerations. So if you wanted to use the term "further" in this instance, the term should have been "futhermore", which means "in greater addition to". By the way, you need to be careful in writing your essay. Always make sure that you proof read for punctuation errors. At the end of paragraph two, you have a comma, which indicates that additional information is to follow, instead of a period, which would have signified the end of a sentence. Little errors like that mean marked points deduction in your GRA score.

Another sentence structure issue has to do with your presentation in paragraph 4. You were implying that reading alone makes children independent, and yet, in the second sentence, you said

It makes them more dependent and confident

This is a contradiction in terms so you have to make sure that you use consistent descriptive words. Otherwise, you end up changing the meaning in one sentence and rendering your total paragraph confusing. This will result in more deducted points for you.


Home / Writing Feedback / Ielts General Training Essay on reading for kids