Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

TRANSITIONS IN LIFE - taking them with optimism or hatred


shofa_nefertete 12 / 35  
Sep 22, 2010   #1
Everyone has undergone metamorphosis in their lives similar to the phase where a caterpillar sprang out from it cocoon of immaturity after a long wait to spread its wings as a butterfly. In the same way, humans are bound to undergo the excruciating sting of sacrifice and letting go on some aspects in their lives that could hamper them in the roles they portray.

Some take this transition with great optimism while others painstakingly embrace the fierce reality with gore and hatred. More often than not, our personal life transcends into a stage of shaping just like that of a raw diamond newly excavated in the mine. Such unpolished gem needs to experience the heat of spontaneous combustion, pressure, and polishing before it can exude its natural luster and brilliance. Such incandescence of a polished shimmering diamond teaches us that it is a necessity to put ourselves in fire of bittersweet challenges to show our more ardent persona. Changes in life are inevitable, though at times, it urges us to linger the pain no matter what it takes.

As man courses towards the self-actualization stage of his life, he become so eager and determined to reach that state of euphoria that he has been fantasizing for. The journey to such nirvana is but easy. A bumpy, rocky, and challenging destination is about to befall. The terrain to take is not always made of cobblestones or even red carpets, at times we can get even get stuck in the quick sands of nothingness. We find ourselves struggling for survival back to climb the ladder of our goals. In time, we begin to see the light at the end of the dark and hollow tunnel as we grope out from the maelstrom of broken dreams and empty promises.

When we are about to put another feather in our caps, we begin to realize that life is not really a piece of cake or even a complete breath of fresh air; we have to carry our own yokes of priorities, responsibilities, and sacrifices before we can be able to reap a bountiful harvest of our own labors. Then, we begin to thank our Creator for helping us hurdle the storms of sadness, despair, and conflict at the same time make through the desert of barrenness and aridity. Indeed, this only proves that our life here on earth is just a bivouac on what is eternal. Our ephemeral existence prepares us for a greater battle as we cascade towards another stream of life.

The cliché "carpe diem" which means seize the day has been through to its wisdom. As we turn another chapter of our own plot and as we flip another blank page waiting for another history to be written, we have always come to an epiphany that we should embrace everyday with new hopes and aspirations as we traverse towards the horizon that is full of surprises and mystery waiting to be unraveled.

mea505 - / 265  
Sep 22, 2010   #2
Hi Walter!

I like the following sentence you used in your essay: Such unpolished gem needs to experience the heat of spontaneous combustion, pressure, and polishing before it can exude its natural luster and brilliance.

--> It is brilliant. The polishing time for a gem is years, not weeks or days or even months. You have engaged in the time factor with respect to what it might take for someone to become, well, whole.

Your essay has a nice "flow" to it when I was reading it. Nice job. There are a few parts where I would "tighten it up" a little. For example, in the following sentence: Everyone has undergone metamorphosis in their lives similar to the phase where a caterpillar sprang out from its cocoon of immaturity, after a long wait to spread its wings as a butterfly.

--> These are the sort of corrections that you will find throughout the essay, but not to the point where they need to be driven out for you. Take a look at the rest of the essay -- and you will see what I mean. It just needs a little "polishing," much like that gem you described.

Mark :)
OP shofa_nefertete 12 / 35  
Sep 22, 2010   #3
Thank. Indeed, I am still a unpolished gem. thank you for your help
donrocks 5 / 120  
Sep 27, 2010   #4
Walter, you have one misconception here. You are not unpolished but a shining star of essay forum I regret that you do not critique as much as you should. You would be made the contributor.

I have critiqued one of essay, the forced divorce one where there were flaws. Here also, I think there are a few.

1)

Such unpolished gem needs to experience the heat of spontaneous combustion

Gems and spontaneous combustion don't go together. Pressure? We polish it and keep polishing to bring out its true beauty or sparkle.
2)

The journey to such nirvana is but easy

is ANYTHING but easy.
3)

challenging destination is about to befall

Incomplete sentence. I am not getting what you are trying to say.
I think there is some more mistakes... but most of all, I think we need some simplicity. There is a nice quality of simplicity that your main idea does get blurred in the verbose words all around.

I still think its a good but 'can be great' essay.
Hope this helps.
OP shofa_nefertete 12 / 35  
Sep 29, 2010   #5
thank u so much. I have some problems during revision stage of my essays. I think I need your help to review my essay with "new eyes" reading it. I admit I am good with playing with words, but I am challenged with grammatical accuracy.

I appreciate much your effort.


Home / Writing Feedback / TRANSITIONS IN LIFE - taking them with optimism or hatred