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'transportation, hard work, and discipline' the world you come from - UC College


cat08 11 / 4  
Oct 11, 2007   #1
Can you proofread my UC college essay and offer suggestions? Thanks.

Describe the world you come fromfor example, your family, community or schooland tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

UC College Essay

I can't log in my old account cat08, so I created a new one. I made changes to my college essay. I shorten my response on the first prompt, and I made the second prompt longer. Can you proofread and make any suggestions on my essay? Thanks!

Describe the world you come from-for example, your family, community or school-and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

My parents were born in Vietnam, and I was born in America. Growing up in a different world from that of my parents, I lack the common understanding and appreciation of life that my parents developed from living in Vietnam for part of their childhood. My parents often view my life in America as much simpler than life in Vietnam, since they have worked hard to give me all the essential needs such as clothes, food, and a place to live. Nevertheless, I appreciate my life more through my parents' reiteration of gratefulness rather than understanding through firsthand experience why I should be thankful. Regardless, my parent's expectations have instilled in me a desire to succeed in academics.

From the start of my childhood, my parents emphasize the importance of earning good grades in school, going to a good college, and having a good career as a doctor or other health professional. I was just in the first grade when my parents first sat down with me and told me all this. Having heard it the first time and being only six years old, I blindly accepted the fact that my present has a big impact on my future. During that time, I tried hard in school and got good grades just to please my parents. I was oblivious to the fact that my parents wanted me to do well in school for me, not them.

Over the years, the message behind my parents' reiteration regarding my future became clearer. I strive for success in school, because I want a good future, not my parents. Fully understanding my parents' intentions for my success, I have become an ambitious individual who independently upholds strict expectations and self-discipline. Every summer, I look forward to the enrichment I receive from the swimming lessons to academic enrichment classes at a private school or at community colleges. During the school year, I tried hard in my academic classes not just for my parents' happiness, but also for my future and myself.

I have stop living life day by day as I did when I was in the first grade, and I have learned to live life continuing to appreciate my present while preparing for my future. I now work towards my future career as a pharmacist with my parents' support. My mother takes me to OCAPICA's Soar After-School Program, a free after-school program. There, I was able to take advantage of many great opportunities such as the goal-setting and college application essay workshop, college counseling, and academic guidance and assistance.

Through my parents' transportation, hard work, and discipline, I now have high expectations for myself and love learning. Regardless of our different perspectives of lives, our two separate worlds have developed my ambition for my academic enrichment and preparation for my career.

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contributions or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

I have always loved enriching my musical abilities. I sing along with the songs in church. Throughout elementary education, I loved the music lessons every week, so I decided to join choir. I played the violin when it was offered in the fourth grade, and I continued violin through the sixth grade. When I moved to a different school district, I discovered an interest in the piano and realized that I wanted to commit to that particular musical instrument for the rest of my life.

This spark of interest for the piano started when my mother took me with her to Allstate Insurance the summer following seventh grade. Near the insurance building was a building with a sign that read "Little Chopin Piano." I was eager to look inside the piano studio, so my mother and I went over to the piano studio after she completed her business at the Allstate building. In one of the rooms, I saw a girl take out her music sheets and simply breezed through the notes with the tips of her fingers on the piano keyboard. The beautiful music that she produced amazed me, and I imagined the possibilities of creating the same wonderful sounds from those very music sheets.

Starting September that year, I took private piano lessons every Tuesday. At first, my hands were stiff. My piano teacher would continuously instruct me to curve my fingers and relax. Every week, I was given homework out of the theory and note speller book and flashcards to study. Every two weeks, I was expected to memorize the two songs and play them to the teacher. I did not know what a metronome (device that mark time) was until I used one on the third week of piano lesson. Then, I was taught to play the C Major Scale with both hands at great speed. I remember thinking to myself that that was not possible. As a serious pianist, I did my homework, studied the flashcards, and practiced the songs and scale. As a result, I was able to read the notes on the music sheets and successfully played the songs and scale.

Thirteen months after my first piano lesson, I participated in some piano workshops, played in two piano recitals, and played the first year in the national piano-playing auditions. Through playing in front of an audience, I was able to build my confidence. I anticipated another year of piano lessons; however, when I was a freshman in high school, my mother feared my piano lessons would negatively affect my school performance, so she decided to discontinue my piano lessons. I cried and cried, and I did not know what I wanted to do with my life. Music was not just a hobby for me; it was my passion and what brought me joy.

Now, even though I no longer have piano lessons, I continue to appreciate life for the moments of musical enrichment and practice and play the piano, as music is part of who I am. I came out from my 13 months of piano lessons learning so much. I am able to read notes, play with both hands, and know so much about music theory. My hard work has contributed to my success as a pianist.

EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Oct 12, 2007   #2
Greetings!

You've written an excellent couple of essays! I have just a few editing tips:

Throughout my life, I am expected to familiarize myself with a completely different world which I have never been exposed to.

When I visited my grandparents, I would say, "Chao Ong, Chao Ba." - which means what? You need to explain this.

they have raised me to be an ambitious individual who independently upholds similar strict expectations and discipline.

The beautiful music that was produced from those music sheets as she played marveled me as I imagine of the possibilities of doing the same with those very music sheets. - this is a little awkward and repetitive. Better would be: "The beautiful music she produced was a marvel to me, and I imagined the possibility of creating the same wonderful sounds from those mysterious sheets of music." (You can play with the description a little.)

I had anticipated taking another year of piano lessons.

Upon hearing this decision, I poured my heart out in tears. (This is just a suggestion; you could say this several ways.)

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP cat08 11 / 4  
Oct 13, 2007   #3
Because I added more to the college essay, the essay went over the word limit by about 60 words (word limit: 1000 words). I feel that I haven't completely answer the two essay prompts (especially the 2nd prompt). What are your advices? How can I improve this essay while staying within the word limit. Thanks for the help!

Describe the world you come from-for example, your family, community or school-and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Oct 13, 2007   #4
Greetings!

I think you've done a great job with your essay! I worked on cutting it down a bit, and came up with this, which is 996 words, by my count:
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Nov 21, 2007   #5
Greetings!

I think you've done a great job of improving your essay! I have just a few suggestions:

From the start of my childhood, my parents emphasized the importance of earning good grades in school,

I strive for success in school, because I want a good future for myself, not for my parents.

I have stopped living life day by day as I did when I was in the first grade,

I saw a girl take out her music sheets and simply breeze through the notes

(device that marks time)

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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