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To truly enjoy a vacation (holiday), people should leave their mobile phones at home.


OswinC 1 / -  
Jul 26, 2015   #1
Hi everyone, I'm new to here. I'll be more than thankful with your help on reviewing my article.
This article was written in the context of TOEFL's independent writing task.

Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? To truly enjoy a vacation (holiday), people should leave their mobile phones at home.

Some people may think that a vacation will be destroyed by frequent interruptions caused by mobile phones. On the contrary, I hold the opinion that mobile phones today are so useful that they can actually improve our enjoyment in a vacation.

To begin with, the functionality of navigation provided by mobile phones is pretty helpful when people are traveling in an unfamiliar area. With such a convenient utility, one can even avoid spending a lot of time previewing the map before their trip. Take my best friend, John, for example. One time, we had a trip together to Tainan, where was quite far from the city we lived in, Taipei. That was the first time we went to there, so I repeatedly checked with the driver, John, about the routes in Tainan. However, he told me that it was enough to only briefly browse the map and had a rough impression in mind. Google Map will take care all the remaining jobs, he said. In the second night, we went to a restaurant that is famous among the local people. Even though the restaurant located in a lane surrounded by complex routes, by using the Google Map on John's mobile phone, it did not take us too much time to find it. In that experience, John's mobile phone indeed saved our time, and allowed us to spend the time enjoying the trip.

In addition, the functionality of camera provided by mobile phones can serve as a way to reinforce the enjoyment of a vacation. The fact is that taking photos can not only remind people the moments during a vacation in the future, but also provide people with the possibility to create their own artwork. Another experience in the trip I had with John to Tainan can further function as an example to demonstrate such idea. In the third evening, we went to Moon Mountain, which is known for its amazing scene of sunset. I was totally lured upon seeing it. Therefore, I have taken several pictures of the view by the camera on my mobile phone. In addition to the fun derived from the process of creating beautiful things, they made it possible for me to appreciate the beauty of the sunset in the later days. I even sold out the best one among my creations on the Internet. The fact that someone recognized my ability did fulfill me.

In conclusion, in terms of the powerful functionalities of navigation and camera, it is definitely true that the quality of a vacation can be tremendously boosted by the assistance of mobile phones. As a result, I disagree with the statement. I believe that people must bring up their mobile phones in their vacations.

lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Jul 26, 2015   #2
Hello, I can help you with some suggestions and corrects.

1st paragraph: You could replace destroyed with "ruined". Change in a vacation to, "on a vacation".

2nd paragraph: "Take my best friend, John, for example . For example, my best friend John and I One time, we had a once took a trip together to Tainan, where which was quite far from the city we lived in, Taipei." These two sentences needed to be combined because the first was an incomplete sentence. The next sentence you can delete a word and simply state: ..."first time we went there"... I'm unsure about using rough impression. Do you mean he said to have a rough impression of the distance you were travelling? The next sentence is confusing. However, if this is what he said, then you can place quotation marks around the sentence: "Google Map will take care all the remaining jobs", he said.

Since you are discussing details that are in the past, change your verbs from the present to the past. Ex:"...we went to a restaurant that was..". The next sentence add "was" before located. The end of the paragraph change spend the to "spend that".

3rd paragraph: Add "a" after functionality. Add "of" after people. You state that people can create their own artwork. Do you mean that people can create their own memories?

These sentences need a revision: "Another experience on the trip I had with John to Tainan, can further function as an example to demonstrate such an idea. During...amazing sunset". Lured is not a good word choice. You could state that you were "captivated". You could delete these words: by the camera .

4th paragraph: Camera should be "cameras". When you state you disagree with the statement, you should give a better explanation. By adding what is in the question to the end of the sentence the reader will be able to understand the sentence. Ex:"...statement that people should leave their mobiles phones at home while on vacation." "I believe that people must bring up their mobile phones in on their vacations.


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