topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People should sometimes do things that they do not enjoy doing. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
It is the truth that not all people can do the things they like all the time. The fact is that people have to do something they dislike when pursuing their goals or realizing their dream.
On the one hand, people live in a world which not everything is perfect, in some cases, individuals would found that things that are necessary are not always enjoyable, as well as things that are enjoyable sometimes may be unnecessary. People might do things they dislike but it might be indispensable for individual success, that is to say, they have to do those things to accomplish their goals. Olympic champion had to practice more than 12 hours when they were still teenagers, which sometimes out of being compulsory. Those seemingly cruel hardships had turned out to be the best gifts years later. As a old saying goes that but for yesterday's struggle, today's glories could not exist.
On the other hand, something dislike things, to some extend, would benefit us economically and mentally. For example, when it comes to study, some students may dislike some curriculums in university, such as mathematics or history, but they are necessary, both beneficial for their career and individual minds. In that case, they have to do things they dislike. Another example is, people overweight have to do sports everyday for the purpose of losing weight, they sometimes have a feeling of compelling and painful, especially for those oversized body have threatened to their lives. The list will go on and may be an endless one.
Moreover, doing unwilling things would contribute to their financial concern. It is undeniable that people could not always seek jobs that suit their needs, or have a close link with their major. It turns out that they have to choose to work as a salesman, accountant, economist, jobs that have little relationship with their initial thoughts. In other words, they do these jobs for making the money for the sake of family rather than accomplishing their own dream.
As I mentioned before, pursuing a successful life is nothing more than making wise decisions, by "wise" we mean the choice of doing the necessary first, not the most enjoy one.
As a whole your writing is very good but if you are going for TOEFL you should follow some of the points that are important in test scoring.
First of all your introduction is too short and you did not mention your opinion.
Your body paragraphs are very good and logic with single problem that you could write an easier and shorter sentences to explain your reasons and examples.
Your vocabulary is very good and can say sometimes it might make problems for you. Try to use simple sentences with less complicate structure and words.
As an example in your writing, avoid thing such as:
"people overweight have to do sports everyday for the purpose of losing weight, they sometimes have a feeling of compelling and painful, especially for those oversized body have threatened to their lives"
Some of your sentences are vague check more for grammar. Such the above sentence and as :
"doing unwilling things would contribute to their financial concern"
also check using the proper words such as:
"close link with their major"
"have little relationship with their initial thoughts "
I am not a native speaker but I am not sure those words are properly used. I put some suggestion such as : "materials" " is related to their knowledge or job" " is less related to what they have learnt""
I think those examples fit better with what you mean.
Check your punctuation; however I don't think it has a significant impact on your score.
Your conclusion as your introduction is very short and does not have the proper structure of the conclusion. In conclusion you should rewrite your opinion with your reasons included.
Thank you Aria
I am sorry about I used the example about overweighed person, I didn't mean to. I shouldn't give any offensive example in my essay. I think it's the problem that culture difference.
Your suggestions are very helpful, and I am trying to improve my grammar skill.
I am sorry about I used the example about overweighed person, I didn't mean to.
The word is "overweight." It's strange, the way we use this word. We use it as an adjective:
I am sorry I used the example about overweight people. I didn't mean to.
Anyway, it is okay to write about overweight people. Obesity is an issue that needs our attention. Also, writing should not be constrained in any way. It has to be free. Expression has to be free.
On the other hand, something we dislike, to some extent, can benefit us economically and mentally.
Another example is people who are overweight. They have to do sports everyday for the purpose of losing weight, and they sometimes have a feeling of being compelled to endure pain, especially for those whose oversized bodies have become a threat to their lives.