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IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Try hard enough to achieve something


Trang84 1 / -  
Feb 4, 2021   #1
Topic:

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough.


What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

Essay:
In some countries, teenagers are taught that any goals can be achievable if they try their best. This essay will discuss both the pros and cons of this mindset.

There are several advantages to be mentioned in this essay. First, hard work is considered as one of the key components in making individuals' dreams come true. For example, a 13-year-old boy from Indonesia lost over 100 kg in two years due to his low-fat diets and hard-working exercises. Without his persistence and effort, he could never lose a lot of weight to stay in shape. Other positive impact of this teaching is hope for children from disadvantaged backgrounds. A role model of this case is Nick Vujicic who was born without fully formed limbs. In spite of his own disability, he was not depend on others' help and became not only a successful person but also a motivational speaker. He gave encouraging talks to millions of young people to achieve their goals instead of staying frustrated in their passivity.

However, the drawbacks of this approach cannot be denied. Firstly, it is responsible for a great deal of pressure on the young. In some situations, children study to the point of total exhaustion, which causes many suicides to escape from this burden in the adolescent. In addition, there is a complex interplay between effort, talent, luck and social connection required to produce great achievements. Therefore, only teaching children about working hard may mislead them to believe that they can be successful if they complete their work, which leads to their self-doubt and disillusion when they fail.

In conclusion, while teaching children that hard work ensures achievement, adults ought to encourage a positive mindset with proper expectation.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,301 3341  
Feb 5, 2021   #2
When dealing with TA score considerations, you will notice that the score given is higher when the student provides a direct response to the given question. That is because the clarity of your understanding of the topic, as well as the validity of your opinion is clearly given. This method, the direct response method to be precise, also helps you better outline your discussions by helping you stay on track regarding the discussion. This type of presentation helps prove that you understood, analyzed, and outline the discussion format prior to writing, all of which can help you get a better TA score.

Now, I will applaud you for presenting valid discussion points in every paragraph. You were able to use a transition sentence properly to connect the two discussion points. Although, the grammar of the transition sentence needs work in terms of proper sentence structuring. Regardless, it helped you combine the two differing topics in a manner that connected the discussion in the paragraph.

As for the second reasoning paragraph, there is no sense in using numerical ordinals if you are not going to present a second and last reason within the paragraph. Try to avoid using these numerical ordinals in your presentations. Stick to transition sentences instead. The numerical ordinals do nothing to help your GRA and C&C scores. When you use transition sentences, you further prove your ability to write clearly in the English language, using a connected discussion manner that does not rely on a run-on sentence to present itself.

As for the concluding summary, it is incomplete. You should use the more TA appropriate format that allows you to:
- Restate the topic
- Restate both your reasoning topics
- Close with a summation of your points.

The essay you wrote is alright. I may garner you a passing score. However, I believe that there are still a few points where you can improve your presentation based on scoring considerations.


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