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TOEFL TSK: The extended family (grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles) is still important nowadays


Crystal812 23 / 55 11  
Feb 12, 2016   #1
Hi! There. I just completed my writing and need somebody to help me, in two aspects: grammer and structure. Since it is a practice test, I did not make any modifications. Thank you for helping me!

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Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
The extended family (grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles) is less important now than it was in the past.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

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Within the last few decades, there has been an unprecedented change of people's perception about family due to the advancement of technology. Nowadays, people tend to stay at home and communicate with family members through the Internet or social media. While it brings great convenience to individuals, it also weakens love and emphasy between family members. So I do not agree with the statement that the extended family is less important now than it was in the past.

First of all, influenced by Chinese traditional culture, I, who visit my family members in every Spring Festival, am so obssessed with this characteristic culture. As a young college student, living thousand miles away from home, I really miss my grandparents, aunts and uncles. They are so significant that they remind me of those joyful moments when we got together and enjoyed the Sping Festival Gala every year. I maintain the most important position in my heart for my extended family, which can be ascribed to the conventional culture.

Second, connection with a big family will be of great assistance when I am in trouble. For example, I remember there was a time, when my family had difficulty with budgets, and in the meanwhile, I was required to pay my tuition at the beginning of the semester. Once my family heard of the news, they help us to pay for the bill and I went to the college finally. Thanks to the great power of the extended family, I could fulfill my college dream.

Last but not least, living in an extend family is full of excitement due to a large amounts of anecdotals happening in the family. I am a big fan of the tv series Modern Family, where there is a colossal extended family. The show has given me a fabulous impression that the extended family can contribute to amusement of daily life. And it also reminds me of my own family, which give me many happy moments.

To conclude, even though social media allow individuals to communicate with family members online, I still believe the extended family is vital to people nowadays, because family members can help each other and bring a lot of fun, not to mention the traditional culture.

Samuelsam123 12 / 46 20  
Feb 12, 2016   #2
Hey Crystal !
First of all , great work on your essay , but do allow me to make some changes , recommendations .
) While it brings great convenience to individuals, it also weakens love and emphasy between family members.
This sentence can be debatable, doesn't more communication bonds the relationship ? You kind of need to express yourself more for this point.
) who visit my family members in every Spring Festival

) I maintain the most important position in my heart for my extended familyAs a Chinese myself , I understand what you mean , typically when you tried to translate that from Chinese.

Here's my go on it :
My family, especially the extended ones, always remain , the centre, the core of my heart.
) they helped us to pay for the bill

this essay is well written yet do read up more on this subject, factual essays require facts ( personal experience as well ). Your essay covers most on your own personal experience, that doesn't always implies to others. You need to convince your reader , especially your professor / tutor.

Nice try !
OP Crystal812 23 / 55 11  
Feb 13, 2016   #3
Thank you so much!

Since it was a practice test, I was so nervous and I could only think of my own experiences at that time. I will rewrite the whole passage with some convincing examples. I will make great efforts! BTW, I have read your passage and I really appreciate your writing.

Best wishes!
OP Crystal812 23 / 55 11  
Feb 13, 2016   #4
Hi,

It's me, again. I just finish the rewriting and could not wait for you to help me make some changes. It's the same topic. Well, how about this version?

I would appreciate it if you could reply to me soon! Thank you!

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Within the last few decades, there has been an unprecedented improvement of people's perception about family. Due to the great assistance of the Internet and social media, the extended family can communicate with each other online, in the meanwhile, they are less likely to chat face-to-face, which does have an adverse effect on people's feelings and love. Although some individuals argue that the extended family is less significant than it was in the past, I believe that the extended family is still crucial for us.

First of all, it has been a tradition to live in a huge clan with a colossal group of members since thousands years ago. Nowadays, it is hard to deny that there are still a large amount of people living in the extended family and making the consistent and loving relationship with their family. The extended family is pivotal for people's necessity to maintain the traditional culture and custom inherited from their ancestors.

In addition, living with a group of family members can be virtually helpful especially when the family is in trouble. A big family usually means great resistance when facing difficulty, because more people are inclined to contribute their forces to overcoming the hard time and making a greater success finally. In terms of the great unity of the family, I claim that the extended family is still necessary for us.

Last but not least, the extended family are more probable to bring fabulous amusement to all of the family members. When they get together, they have many anecdotes and juicy gossip circulating in the small circle of people. They have their own funny time which they spend together without any interruption from acquaintances. People will never want to miss the joyful moments with their extended family, which may be the most precious treasure in their lives.

To conclude, I state that the extended family is still critical for us although some people do not want to waste time with their family members face-to-face. It is very essential to maintain the tradition and cherish the fascinating memories with our grandparents, cousins, uncles and aunts.
sword_maruf 1 / 4  
Feb 13, 2016   #5
At first, i am not a teacher. i am toefl studying student. According to my view, ......
Due to the great assistance of the Internet and social media, the extended family ( family members) can communicate with each other online, in the meanwhile, they are less likely to chat face-to-face, which does have an adverse effect on people's feelings and love. {...... This sentence isn't logically connected with the idea}...Although some individuals { someone or some people } argue that the extended family is less significant than it was in the past, I believe that the extended family is still crucial for us.

First of all, it has been a tradition to live in a huge clan with a colossal group of members since thousands years ago. [[ before this sentence you should shortly express the reason why you agree with this idea}}] .... sentence structure and vocab is quite well.

Second and third reason are appropriate ....
To conclude, I state that the extended family is still critical for us {although some people do not want to waste time with their family members face-to-face}. [ this clause is inappropriate for that position ..... here you should restate the important/ reasons for supporting the idea ( you have stated in 3 line)] finally, you have to point out opinion.


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