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Two different attitudes towards old people

solivagant 8 / 15 6  
Jul 7, 2019   #1

Care and support for the elderly

Some people believe that the government should take care of old people and provide financial support after they retire. Others say individuals should save during their working years to fund their own retirement. What is your opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include examples from your own experience.

People have different views on how to treat the elders. For some of them, they should be provided with a pension, while others are against the government regulations and think that everyone should set some money aside for their retirement. In my opinion, the government should offer financial support to retirees.

There are several reasons why old people should receive the government`s care. Firstly, if the elderly have worked and paid taxes before they retire, they deserve adequate public funding. They shouldn`t be just thrown away because of the lack of productivity. Secondly, saving for retirement is not an option for the vast majority of the world`s population. For instance, in my country, a large number of people who work for low wages barely afford their living expenses. Life can become unbearable for these people, as soon as they grow old. As a result of industrialization which has a negative effect on family values, more parents are seemed to be neglected by their children. It means that their help is also to be excluded. In such cases, the government support is a matter of life and death.

On the other hand, some argue that the elders who haven`t saved for the retirement may be a heavy burden to country`s economy. They believe that the government can invest in more beneficial areas instead of financing the people unable to generate any profit. In other words, saving can help the government to balance its budget. Another reason why some people consider the retirement provision crucial is the concern about free market. In their opinion, it is better to reduce state intervention as much as possible in order to enable the market to create its own care mechanisms for the older people.

In conclusion, although saving can have some advantages to it, I believe that the government should take care of the elderly.

EstellePhillips 1 / 1  
Jul 9, 2019   #2
... the government should offer financial support to retirees
The reader might have already know the prompt already so you don't need to repeat it.
... people, as soon as ... Remove the comma.
As a result of industrialization which has ... values, more ... neglected by their children. The sentence in red already says the effect is negative.

You can add in the third paragraph why you disagree with the opinion of the other party. Or preferably, how the problem can be fixed.

Overall, your content is great but the third paragraph might convince the reader to side against your opinion.
nimbus2k2 8 / 25 6  
Jul 9, 2019   #3
Hey @solivagant, you have done so well on the essay. Both your content and vocabulary is great. There are almost no simple mistakes except this one:

"more parents are seemed to ..."
Seem should be used in active form

This is a formal essay so avoid using abbreviations such as shouldn`t or haven`t. Just write the completed words.

Hope my advice is useful!
Maria - / 1,099 389  
Jul 10, 2019   #4
Hello. I'll do my best to provide you with writing feedback that would hopefully help you.

I think that, in general, you create quite lengthy sentences. While this is alright, it can interrupt the overall flow of your writing. This can make it difficult for you to comprehend your writing because you get lost in relaying the intended meaning of the text.

Try to also be more specific when you're giving out examples. Instead of saying "in my country", simply mention your country when uttering in order to create more contextual clarity.

The concluding remarks can also be enhanced if you add more of a summation. Cap this off with your personal take on the matter.

Best of luck in your writing as always.

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