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Two totally different opinions about how we can prepare our kids to be good community members


romasalah 3 / 6 2  
May 26, 2015   #1
Hello everybody, I will take my IELTS exam next month and I want you to have a look at some examples of my writings. I'm required to get at least band 7 score in writing.

Here's the question:

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


The answer:

The rapidly change social and psychological circumstances in the current era has posed a new challenge on behaving children. There's an ever growing debate about the best way to teach children how to be good members of the society. Some people think it's the role of the parents to behave their children but others think that the school is the best place to learn this.I will discuss both opinions in detail.

It's believed by some that parents should teach children god manners and make them good members of the society. This may be a reasonable point of view as parents can keep an eye on their children constantly .For example, parents can know whom exactly their children meet and what they do so, they can give them proper advices. Also, these people think that it's not wise for the parents to depend totally on the school because different schools may have different attitudes towards common ethical and social issues. Therefore, it became a matter of fact for these people that parents are the best route to teaching children good manners.

On the contrary, others think that school is the place where being a good society member can be learnt. Their beliefs has also some positive points. They see the school as the most social place that a child can be in "and from where else can them learn social skills" say some. They count also on the school being a good place to learn a lot of skills like arts and sports. Hence, the acknowledge the school as a place to teach children ethics and good manners.

As shown here, there are two totally different opinions about how can we prepare our kids to be good community members. In my opinion, I think that no one of the two is completely wrong. I believe that co-operation between school teachers and parents can have more better results depending on only one of them. So, I recommend increasing awareness of the role of both the parents and the school in behaving children to achieve better results.

lcturn87 - / 435 236  
May 27, 2015   #2
I have provided you with some suggestions to make your essay better. Please continue to use these suggestions as you continue to write.

1st paragraph: Since you use rapidly I would add -ing to change. It would read, "...rapidly changing..." This means that it is constant. If you use behave, then you should use it throughout your essay. However, the question may involve more than just behavior. (It would involve manners, good work ethic, etc). You don't have to put "the" before society. When you state, "behave their children" it sounds confusing. You could simplify your sentence, and use the word help. Then describe how the parents are going to help. Then you can look back at the question and state that the parents will help them be better members of society. Here is the revision:

"Some people think it's the role of the parents to help their children to be better members of society, but others think that school is the best place to learn this."

2nd paragraph: Advice is not plural. You can delete the -s. I think word choice is important. I would suggest changing a matter of fact to "an opinion".

3rd paragraph: To change learn to the past tense add -ed to the end of the word. Learnt would be learned. Rearrange these words to: "Their beliefs also have..." There is a quote that it incorrect. "Can them learn" is confusing. This quote could be, "can they learn". Change to: they acknowledge.

4th paragraph: In the first sentence change, "can we" to "we can". Sometimes when you don't have an opinion, you should state that you feel that both opinions are not wrong. Delete the hyphen in cooperation. The meaning of the next sentence is unclear. The last sentence, you could delete "in behaving children".
EF_Carol - / 145 39  
May 27, 2015   #3
I think your essay is very strong, right up to the end, where you waffle on the conclusion. I believe taking a position is stronger writing.

I think that no one of the two is completely wrong...

I admire your desire to make peace with the two sides, but I encourage you to take a position. This would make more sense, as you were asked for your opinion. This might make for a higher score.

cooperation

You propose a compromise inthe set up of the paper. But that's not the question. Who is doing a better job? You need to answer the question.

Other than that your structure is good, as is your grammar and vocabulary.

Good job!

ef _carol
OP romasalah 3 / 6 2  
May 27, 2015   #4
Thanks everybody for your feedback. I didn't know that i must not use abbreviations in academic essays.

Overall, your writing is good. You have to pay attention to some points i wrote in red

I should leave 35 minutes in the end to revise my spelling and grammar.

I have provided you with some suggestions to make your essay better. Please continue to use these suggestions as you continue to write.

thanks for this in-depth analysis. How much do u think these faults will affect my score?

In contrary

This is maybe

what's the wrong with "on the contrary" and "this may be a reasonable point"?
also u did a complete reformation of most of the paragraph. My problem is that i write sentences one by one. I only think of the ideas within not the form.

I think your essay is very strong, right up to the end, where you waffle on the conclusion

yes, the final paragraph also has a meaningless sentence. but why can't I agree o both sides?
Iraj33 3 / 1  
May 28, 2015   #5
in order to write your essay in the best form, your essay should have:

1 paragraph for Introduction
3 paragraphs for body
1 paragraph for Conclusion

Total: 5 paragraphs are essential
OP romasalah 3 / 6 2  
May 28, 2015   #6
5 paragraphs are essential

I watched some videos of the series " Ryan English". he said that for IELTS task 2 the minimum is 4 paragraphs. I'm also limited by time.
IqbalThemi 44 / 46 13  
May 29, 2015   #7
The rapidly change social and psychological circumstances in the current era has posed a new challenge on behaving children. There's an ever growing debate about the best way to teach children how to be good members of the society. Some people think it's the role of the parents to behave their children but others think that the school is the best place to learn this.I will discuss both opinions in detail.

I suggest you to rewrite your introduction here. Let me try:

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Good behavior is a vital aspect in social environment. As such, parents is suggested to teach their children to know more about how important to have good attitude in social life. However, others argue that this is responsibility of school to lead children to develop their well habit. Therefore, I believe that both have equally role to build character children. Home is domain for parents to control the children whilst teacher at school can education pupils during school time.

Hope it helpful.


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