Thanks everybody for your feedback. I didn't know that i must not use abbreviations in academic essays.
Overall, your writing is good. You have to pay attention to some points i wrote in red
I should leave 35 minutes in the end to revise my spelling and grammar.
I have provided you with some suggestions to make your essay better. Please continue to use these suggestions as you continue to write.
thanks for this in-depth analysis. How much do u think these faults will affect my score?
This is maybe
what's the wrong with "on the contrary" and "this may be a reasonable point"?
also u did a complete reformation of most of the paragraph. My problem is that i write sentences one by one. I only think of the ideas within not the form.
I think your essay is very strong, right up to the end, where you waffle on the conclusion
yes, the final paragraph also has a meaningless sentence. but why can't I agree o both sides?