Hi, this is my UNC supplement essay and I was hoping that I could get some feedback and suggestions for it. Thanks!
prompt: UNC Professor Barbara Fredrickson - an expert in positive emotions - has defined love as "micro-moments of connection between people, even strangers." Tell us about a time when you experienced a "micro-moment of connection." What did you learn?
One of the most disappointing moments in my life was the day before spring break in sophomore year. My junior year band results had just been posted. Since 6th grade, my dream was to make it into the top band, and I had hoped that my wishes were granted. I had practiced three hours a day the week before the auditions, and during the audition, I had felt confident that I had impressed my teacher enough to move me up. However, my confidence was shattered when I found out I had not only failed to make the top band, I actually moved down a few seats in the band I was currently in. But in the moments that followed, I truly experienced what UNC Professor Barbara Fredrickson calls love: "micro-moments of connection between people."
Finding out that I had done horribly was a major disappointment and a huge setback for me. But as I walked away from the results, my friends who had been there with me and others who had heard about the results surrounded me and comforted me. From hugs and pats on my back to words of encouragement and quickly made up poems, my friends spewed out love to me. As I felt the micro-moments of connection with my friends, I found my emotions making a complete change as my sadness and anger faded and turned into happiness. As we all walked out of the band room, the micro-moments of connection managed to change my mood and I realized that I was laughing and enjoying myself when I stepped off campus.
My friends continued to send me love throughout the break, and I learned that even though I had failed to achieve my goal of making it into the top band, I should not give and should continue following my love for the instrument. For the remainder of the school year and the summer that followed, the thoughts of the micro-moments of connection with my friends repeatedly popped up in my mind and inspired me to dedicate myself to the flute. I practiced very hard and was able to make a comeback during my junior year. I was able to pass the first round of All State Band and get into District Honor Band, two achievements that I had not managed to do in my previous four attempts.
The encouragement and micro-moments of connection with my friends comforted me and gave me confidence to continue practicing and achieving. Because of my friends and their love, I was able to turn a sad situation into happiness. Even though my work and scheduling conflicts prevented me from ending my high school career with a band class, I still play for fun and continue to spread my love for the flute.
This is a good essay. What I would recommend is that you use it to bring out your best qualities and let UNC know more about yourself.
I think it is a really good start of an essay. I like that you are sharing your experience with the reader.
However, there are some redundant words.. such as "my friends" which comes up quite often. I think it will be a better essay if you try to 're-word' lot of the sentences.
One of the most disappointing moments in my life was the day before spring break in sophomore year.
My junior year band results had just been posted.
This sentence I had to re-read to understand, maybe rewrite it something like
'The band results for my junior year had been posted' ?
Since 6th grade, my dream was to make it into the top band, and I had hoped that my wishes were granted. I had practiced three hours a day the week before the auditions, and during the audition, I had felt confident that I had impressed my teacher enough to move me up. However, my confidence was shattered when I found out I had not only failed to make the top band, I actually moved down a few seats in the band I was currently in. But in the moments that followed, I truly experienced what UNC Professor Barbara Fredrickson calls love: "micro-moments of connection between people."
There are many 'had's in this paragraph... A lot of them you don't need. I think the essay would read better, and less 'redundant' if you changed the style of your sentences, or at least get rid of extra words.
Finding out that I had done horribly was a major disappointment and a huge setback for me . But as I walked away from the results, my friends who had been there with me and others who had heard about the results surrounded me and comforted me .
Again, lots of 'me's you can get rid of...
Finding out that I had done horribly was a major disappointment and a huge setback. But as I walked away from the results, my friends and others who had heard about the results came to surround and comfort me.
These are just some of the suggestions. I tried to not change a lot because it is still your writing.
I would re-read the essay and try to organize sentences better. It seems like you are writing casually as if you were speaking to me, but I think for the college admissions essay, it would help to spend more time correcting the grammar and style of the writing.
I hope this helped!
