It is undeniable
- Anybody can deny this claim. There are successful business people who are not exactly the best and the brightest when it comes to Math. Do not make over reaching declarations. Specially, do not offer unsolicited opinions as the essay does not require additional information from you. It only requires a reframing of the original prompt in a manner as close to the original presentation as possible.
considerably relates to occupations to some extent.
- This an opinion that should have been presented as your thesis statement. You should not have presented this in the first sentence. As a direct question response, it should be contained in your response sentence at the end of the paragraph. Your current response is therefore insufficient as it does not reflect an actual extent response.
Admittedly, I do understand the point of view of those who say Math takes pride in place
- You have changed the discussion parameters, this will cause your essay to fail. Stick to the given discussion, related reasoning,and nothing more. Changing the discussion topic, by offering an opinion in an essay that does not ask you to change the discussion opinion of the presentation, will result in a failing score.