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By undergoing two different types of experience, children know how to be a better person


amrillahmk31 15 / 17 2  
Jan 27, 2016   #1
QUESTION: Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others belive that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give own opinion.

In this era, competition is just like something that people can not shun, which mean it has adhered in many aspects of people's lives. Many people assume that children have to learn about competition, while some say that it would be better if children could be able to make teamwork. I would argue that either competition or cooperation should be encouraged by parents in balance. By experiencing competitive lives and teamwork, they are learning to be better person and helping one another to purse the same goals at the same time.

The sense of rivalry now is spreading even grander and touching children's lives and it belives that it has positive effects for children. That is why many parents want to engage their children to participate in contest such as drawing, singing, and modeling. Some of many reasons why many adults involving their children in those events because they believe it can arouse children's confidence and it is good for their development. Subesequently, by experiencing those tournaments, many parents expect it can be honing children's abilities and knowing their talents.

However, there are some reasons why parents should pay attention regarding this matter. Firstly, if the children lose in a competition, it would trigger children to feel lack of achievement. This happens because children perceive that they have failed and envisage their lives are useless. Besides, competition also makes children tend to be individualist because they never learn how to co-operate and help other children. That is why I believe competition and cooperation should conduct in a balance way, which will be worthwhile when they become adults.

All in all, it is important to ensure children for acquiring both experiences either the sense of competition or working together with other children in earlier ages. By undergoing two different types of experience, children know how to be better person and how to co-operate between them to reach their purpose.

puykcyt 2 / 3 1  
Jan 27, 2016   #2
Hi there!
Overall, this is a great essay with clear direction and well-expressed ideas. There are some mistakes however, they can easily be corrected.
Your first sentence starts strong but, has minor awkward wording in the phrase, "which mean it has adhered in many aspects of people's lives". This can be fixed by changing mean to means and "adhered in" to "adhered to". The wording in the next sentence is slightly odd: "children could be able to makelearn teamwork"

This paragraph's last sentences are can easily be repaired as well:
"I would argue that eithe r competition orand cooperation should be encouraged by parents in balance. By experiencing competitive lives and teamwork, they are learning to be a better person and helping one another to pursue the same goals at the same time. "

In the first sentence in your second paragraph I would recommend changing even grander as it is a bit weird with the use of two comparative words. In the last sentence in the second paragraph balance should be balanced.Be careful with your use of the word many,it is excessive in certain parts. I would also add will between children and know in your last sentence.

I wish you the best of luck!


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