Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4


An unexpected act of kindness


learningtowrite 32 / 50  
Oct 15, 2008   #1
Hi, can you look through this essay for me? What bugs me the most is whether I strayed away from the question too much, and if the act of kindness came too late in the story. Can you give me some feedback? Thank you so much!

An unexpected act of kindness

Laura had been my nemesis since primary school. I had thought that having to spend five days, one hundred and twenty hours with her incessant sarcasm in this Youth Camp would be unequivocally revolting, but I had never known that it could get worse. I was assigned into her group, and suffered tremendously. Her behaviour was intolerable, as if she had been the leader, when she had absolutely no idea what was going on. There came the worst: I was to be her trekking partner in the hike the next day. I gasped in disbelief as I stared into the name list. It was as if fate was testing my level of tolerance of endurance by putting the two of us together.

We were required to hike four kilometres into the jungle and be back by seven o'clock. Reluctantly I dragged my feet as I crawled my way towards Laura, who was ready on the mark. We stared at each other deep into one another's eyes, both aware of our deep-seated animosity; and with the whistle, we began our hike.

We were advised to stick to the main road and followed the traces of the illuminating lights that the watch leaders had set up along the way to prevent us getting lost. Dusk was already gathering, the sun a dull glow on the overcast sky. 'You can do it!' I kept reciting my mantra to keep myself calm. I had always been terrified of the darkness, and Laura knew it. 'You wouldn't get lost, silly girl!' she sneered. Just like that and I could feel my blood burning with rage. 'Who says I would get lost?' I snapped back, and turned into another small road along the way. I needed to prove her wrong.

After I took my turn, Laura was following me; her frequent sneers would cause my fist to tighten. I would prove her that I was brave enough to go on my own and find out the way. However, my choice soon proved to be a major mistake. On the minor road, I was enveloped in darkness. No trace of the bright orange light was in my sight, so I tried to walk gingerly along the rocky trail, step by step, my arms reached out for any obstacle along the way. My mantra trembled on my lips as I made my way through the darkness. Step by step, I told myself; but in an impatient moment, I took a stride, and then I tripped.

I tried to stand up, but my right knee hurt so much that it made all my efforts futile. There was nothing there at all, besides me, the ubiquitous towering trees and perhaps snakes slithering insidiously around me. And the irritant named Laura, a pest that would never go away, of course. However, I would not take her into the picture, because I simply knew that there was not much she could do for me, especially after our lifelong conflict. I was going to die; I knew it, with my blood streaking from my knee down all the way to my leg. I tried to look away from the blood, hoping that this was just a nightmare; and it was just when suddenly I cringed away from the sound of fabric tearing in this silent-reigned forest.

Through the curtain of darkness, I could see Laura cutting the bandages we had been given before the hike. Before I could utter a word, she was already sitting besides me, dressing my wounds with the white bandages. 'Try not to move, okay? Let me dress your wound,' Laura whispered as I stared at her in a loss for words. I wiped away a bead of perspiration on her forehead as she took care of my injury. Was that Laura, the sarcastic and thoughtless girl that I had hated all my life? Or was that a kind Laura that I had always failed to see? After she was done, she took my hand and led us back to the main road. As I held her hand for support, I suddenly realised how silly we both had been. This was indeed a turning point for us; it was the start of a beautiful camaraderie for Laura and me.

It would be a trip that would stay in my mind for years to come. The scene of Laura turning into a nurse, gently taking care of my bleeding wound has never failed to surprise me, even after the dozens of times I replayed the scene in my mind. I will always remember the unexpected kindness that my worst enemy gave me in that eerie, silent night.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Oct 15, 2008   #2
Good afternoon.

Your piece is very good, but the act does seem to come too late in the story to be able to immediately identify its relevance. As such, you can include "snippets" hinting as to the act earlier on in the piece, or condense and combine a lot of the "decorative" language earlier on.

Without knowing the prompt and requirements, it is difficult for me to be very specific here. Make sure you are using double quotation marks (") for your dialogue, and make sure you always put yourself last when talking of another person. For instance, "Laura and me" should be "Laura and I" in this instance.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OP learningtowrite 32 / 50  
Oct 15, 2008   #3
Thanks so much Gloria ;] . The question is actually "An unexpected act of kindness". I can choose to write personal recount, which I did, or narrative. And about the quotation mark, it is like that in my education system, so yeah :D

"I tried to stand up, but my right knee hurt so much that it made all my efforts futile. There was nothing there at all, besides me, the ubiquitous towering trees and perhaps snakes slithering insidiously around me. And the irritant named Laura, a pest that would never go away, of course. However, I would not take her into the picture, because I simply knew that there was not much she could do for me, especially after our lifelong conflict. I was going to die; I knew it, with my blood streaking from my knee down all the way to my leg. I tried to look away from the blood, hoping that this was just a nightmare; and it was just when suddenly I cringed away from the sound of fabric tearing in this silent-reigned forest."

I actually thought of putting this paragraph as the first paragraph, but then chose not to, since I didnt know how to continue after that. When the part about the character falling comes, I shouldn't repeat the whole thing, should I? Then do I have to like describe it through totally different words and expressions and things like that? And let's say if I put this paragraph as the first, then the tense of my whole essay would be changed, right? Life from past tense to past perfect and all that. Can you suggest for me what to do?

Thank you!
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Oct 16, 2008   #4
Good afternoon.

Putting this piece at the beginning would be a great idea; it's a "hook" and sets the scene for the rest of the piece. The reader instantly wants to know what the issue is between the characters.

No, you would not need to repeat the whole story. You could remove that whole third to last paragraph and end up making more of an impact upon the story's time line.

I don't think the tenses will be a problem. Your voice is strong enough that the reader can tell the background from the foreground, so there shouldn't be too much confusion. In fact, it gives a good sense of time travel, between the memory and the current analysis. Since it seems that you have a little bit of creative leeway for this piece, I think it will work out just fine.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com


Home / Writing Feedback / An unexpected act of kindness
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳