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Unhealthy convenience food - Task 2 IELTS Writing module

hadeelhekmat 1 / 1  
Mar 22, 2017   #1
"Convenience food will become increasingly prevalent and will replace traditional methods of food preparation"

To what extent do you agree or disagree with opinion?

Convenience Food Concerns

As food being one of the most important source for living. it's been given a great amount of attention throughout years and now almost every county has its own food culture.

Food industry has been developed largely in the last century following the industrial revolution that aimed to make everything faster; transportation, media and this didn't exclude the way we eat.

After this there were many ways for manufacturing food ,mostly un-healthy ways ,this have satisfied the working members of the society that has increased dramatically in the last century as work became mandatory for every member of family , so there was no time to prepare food and growing plants the old way , instead there was a genetically modified food that replaced parts in agriculture that were un pleasant, like produce fruits in different times of the year and remove unpleasant taste or increase its size , also fast food preparation made it easier for people to skip the long cooking process.

This revolution has followed by different fatal diseases in the last 50 years represented by coronary heat diseases, high cholesterol levels, obesity, diabetes, strokes and so on.

This has concerned health care professionals as their levels are continuously increasing destroying productivity and economy of many countries , so many health awareness campaigns have been held by the government in order to increase awareness about the importance of healthy diet and the harmful effect of the fast prepared food that is mostly unhealthy and produce many problems

This way in my opinion has drawn attention to outweigh the apparent benefits about this convenience food that became viral as it destroyed financial status of a lot of families and big part of them have lost their love ones by these deteriorating diseases.

So people are now waking up regarding their health and there are a lot of efforts is put in practice like plant based diet that concentrate in eating freshly prepare vegetables with no salt , sugar ,meat , poultry and oil, this sounds tough but this is whet me need in order to restore what has been lost .

In conclusion people in my opinion are talking safer choices toward the way they eat as they've witnessed the fatal effect of the convenience food that become so popular ,so now they take time in cooking , eating healthy un-salted nuts , whole grain fibers , milk and many other healthy choices .
akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Mar 22, 2017   #2
Hi Hadeel, welcome to Essay Forum. It is a right place to improve and assess your writing.

Honestly, this writing has still needed many improvements. One of your big mistakes is that your flow in this essay is not good enough. Its reason is simple that you did not present your idea systematically. I think there were a large number of redundant sentences which could not answer the prompts given. For example, the first two sentences explained the topic widely. To make the introductory paragraph, you only need paraphrasing the statement and create a thesis statement which gives a general description about what you would review in the body paragraph. For your case, you only required two body paragraphs. Those are enough to review and display the answer of the prompts detailed. Following this, you are supposed to keep in your mind that the good paragraph should consist of at least thress sentences if you wanna meet the requirement in the formal writing. In the fourth paragraph, you write the conclusion of this matter and if it's important, you can include afew sugesstions for that circumstance. In this moment, I believe you cannot get more than 5 because you cannot fix the question.

Please, you read more exampes of the writing task 2 so that you recognize the basic elements in the essay.
Arlen 20 / 40 3  
Mar 22, 2017   #3

I think the structure is the first issue. Your sentences are pieces and hard to link them together, and it lets the article look uncompleted, also hard to understand. The better structure in task 2 might be 4 or 5 paragraphs with clear introduction, body paragraph and conclusion. Maybe you can try it next time!

Then I suggest to use more adverb, like "however", "moreover",or "on the other hand" in the beginning, making the paragraph more coherent. Otherwise, continuously use "this" will let the marker think you lack vocabulary.

Hope it helps!
OP hadeelhekmat 1 / 1  
Mar 22, 2017   #4
Thanks alot....
I really need that kind of comments..
I will try next time and it will be better :)
blu 1 / 3  
Mar 24, 2017   #5
I think you no need present the history of fast food. Instead, you need to point out to what extent you agree or disagree first and then present your reason followed by supported sentences. I think you should search for the format of doing this kind of essay and read it carefully before writing your own. Good luck!

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