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TOEFL essay: should universities provide their students with a wide range of courses?


lacusclyne 16 / 25 11  
Oct 28, 2015   #1
It is widely believed that university acts as a means driving individuals toward comprehensive growth, a strong foundation for individuals prosperity and social mobility. However, it is controversial whether universities should only provide students with essential knowledge and skills in their workplace or make a wide rang of knowledge accessible to students, regardless of future use. Personally,i am in favor of the former idea.

On one hand, judging by the present situation, youth unemployment seems to increase at a rapid pace. The main culprit of such phenomenon is believed to be the unpractical and unrealistic curricula provided by universities. As a matter of fact, currently, many universities are forcing their students to take every course they provide, which places a huge psychological burden on students and greatly hamper their educational progress without being useful for their occupational prospective. Therefore, universities should change their management system and focus on providing students with needed skills in the workplace instead. For example, for students who aim to be self-employed in the future, skills related to entrepreneurship should be their main focus. On the contrary, for those who wish to work for a big corporation with international repute, such skills as team-work, critical thinking or problem solving are of great demand and must be enhanced.

On the other hand, this does not necessarily mean that we should overlook other academic subjects because there is rarely any subjects deemed useless in academic environment. In effect, all subjects are interrelated, having understanding of a certain field may construct a strong foundation for the majoring one. For instance, for those who major in literature, history can provide them with useful material for their writings. Therefore, universities should spend a fair amount of resource on those subjects, especially in an era where multi-ability is becoming increasingly important.

In the nutshell, schools should focus on teaching essential skills for future employment without overlooking and forgetting about other subjects.
theninjacrab 4 / 8 4  
Oct 28, 2015   #2
I am no expert on these essays but this one could use some work. Some of your word choices feel a little bit forced, and I don't fully understand what the essay is trying to achieve, which is a problem. Make sure you answer the question 100% in full. Complicated vocabulary doesn't necessarily equal up to a more comprehensive essay, because college essays aren't looking for fluff they just want an answer that will resonate with them.

"On one hand, judging by the present situation, youth unemployment seems to increase at a rapid pace. The main culprit of such phenomenon is believed to be the unpractical and unrealistic curricula provided by universities"

this could be reworded to something like "On one hand, unemployment out of college has been on the rise. Many believe this is due to the unpractical and unrealistic curriculum being taught at universities." Although it could probably be worded even better than that, that has a nicer flow and gets the point across without over complicated vocabulary.

Now look at the next sentence, I don't fully understand what you are trying to say, I've never really heard of a college forcing a student to take all of their classes, unless you're referring to first two years of basics.

In terms of grammar Let's try something like: "Many universities are currently forcing their students to take every course they provide..." (like i said I don't fully understand what you mean by this) "...which places unwarranted stress on the student and hinders their academic abilities."

I don't have time to go through each part of the essay at the moment but hopefully I got my point across. Basically, yry re-writing the essay with better flow and remember that more complicated vocabulary doesn't necessarily improve the essay, worry mainly about flow and getting your point across to the reader in full, I am looking forward to seeing what you come up with with this in mind so I can help you further.


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