Comments and suggestions to follow below. Please take note of the very important note I presented at the end regarding your method of writing the concluding statement. This is an ongoing problem with your essays that needs to be addressed.
Equaling the finance of libraries and sport activities is ...
- This is a good way of presenting your restated prompt and thesis statement. You clearly understand what kind of answer the prompt is expecting.
When it comes to expense. University must balance their expense for both things...
- These are good arguments. However, both are under developed. You need to provide a strong discussion of both reasons as separate paragraphs. Present more reasons for the need to allot an equal amount for the library such as upgrading the technological facilities where students can work on the computers for their research and the maintenance of the existing materials in the library such as the books and archives. That is one paragraph unto itself. Then the sports part needs to be discussed separately since you can only discuss one thought or topic per paragraph. For sports, you should develop the obesity and health related concerns as the reason for the equal budget. These discussions will prove the importance of equal budgeting for the two.Secondly, he role of university is to entice as many students from different walks of life . Thus, if there will ...
- This line of reasoning does not resonate with the essay prompt. I suggest you delete it and in its place, discuss why some sectors believe that the library and sports facilities should not have equal budgets. Remember, these kinds of essays need an opposing argument in order to become effective in its defense of its stand.By way of conclusion based on the arguments explored above. I have a strong belief ...
- I keep reminding you that you are not supposed to present new ideas in the conclusion and yet you keep on doing that. Please stop doing that. You know it is against the essay rules. If you want to talk about enticing new students, do it in a separate paragraph and then write the conclusion to your essay covering the restated prompt, summary of facts, and a repetition of your stand.