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Unpaid community service - "great stepping stone for high school institutions"


hillard214james 2 / 6  
Jun 23, 2014   #1
Hello guys..please help me out with my writing for the IELTS. I'm not very much confident with how i present my ideas, so your opinions and suggestions will be of great value to me. Thanks a lot!

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children).

To what extent do you agree or disagree?


It is encouraged that compulsory high school programmes should involve an unpaid community service. These public services would comprise a wide range of voluntary works not only for the benefit of the government but for the volunteer themselves.

Nowadays, most students spent their time in a less productive activities during their spare time. They would opt to sinking on their couch the whole day watching tv, playing video games, or even straining their eyes in front of a computer. Not realizing all of which are part of a sedentary lifestyle which they are trying to inculcate on themselves.

If a volunteer service program will be implemented in secondary school, students would have the opportunity to acquire new skills and knowledge in working voluntarily. They would learn team effort as well as the importance of having a job at their own effort and expenses.

Moreover, a healthy lifestyle would be promoted as these kind of community service will drive them to keep in motion physically. Their attention will be further focused on something that is more creative and worthwhile rather than having nothing to do at all.

Through this program, students would nurture not only their skills but also their emotional and social being as well. Furthermore, in some aspect, crime rates would likely be reduced.

In conclusion, it will be a great stepping stone for high school institutions to carry out such programmes for the betterment not only for the students but for the community itself in general.
SalMon 27 / 113 10  
Jun 23, 2014   #2
Your intro is not attractive enough :) You should follow this intro by Dumi :)

Nowadays, most students spent their time in a less productive activities during their spare time.

Hey this one should be put in the intro :) cuz I find the idea is great :)

Through this program, students would nurture not only their skills but also their emotional and social being as well. Furthermore, in some aspect, crime rates would likely be reduced.

Well you should not divide into so small parts like this. You can combine, or else, develop your ideas by giving examples, analytical sentences or something else. The 3rd para

Through this program, students would nurture not only their skills but also their emotional and social being as well. Furthermore, in some aspect, crime rates would likely be reduced.

has two points. Next time I suggest you separate each in a paragraph and develop your ideas more thoroughly :)

By the way remember to include the type of task here so that it would be easier for us to assess your writings :)
OP hillard214james 2 / 6  
Jun 23, 2014   #3
SalMon..Well, that is so much to learn from. Thanks a lot for the tips and suggestions, i'll keep that in mind. Hope to come up with a better one in my next essay.

By the way remember to include the type of task here so that it would be easier for us to assess your writings :)

-did you mean the type of task as in "TASK 2" of the academic writing?

then again thanks.(:
SalMon 27 / 113 10  
Jun 23, 2014   #4
yes, e.g: IELTS TASK 1, IELTS TASK 2, TOEFL, SAT...
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Jul 18, 2014   #5
Salmon has already suggested you the approach we generally recommend to follow for the introduction for this task. Now let's pay attention to the other important parts of your essay.

Body paragraphs - Here you need to give the reasons (one reason per body para) to defend your opinion on the issue. Also support this reason with a specific example.

Conclusion - Sum up everything you said above and re-instate your opinion.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Jul 26, 2014   #6
some aspectS

It is ok if you put many paragraphs here and there. However, a layout takes an important role when writing an essay. Therefore, a four-paragraph essay is quite well to try.


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