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IELTS Task 2: unpaid community service makes children kind and unselfish


Serapke 8 / 14  
Feb 10, 2014   #1
Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger children)

This time I tried to be less careful about my grammar and things like formal, informal and concentrated more on different kinds of sentence's structure. I am hoping to get all kinds of comments but it would be great if you could say a few words about the grammar, formal, informal verbs and so on. Thanks.

It seems that nowadays at high school children are being taught everything about Pythagorean Theorem and almost nothing about real life experiences and social problems in their country. I personally believe that this could be changed, if unpaid community service became a compulsory part of high school programmes as this type of job gives children the opportunity to discover the real non-Pythagorean problems of today's live.

First of all, when doing unpaid community service, children become more responsible for the things that happen in their local area. For instance, I honestly think that even one day of cleaning the neighbourhood from litters can strongly affect child's mind set and after this community service the child will not throw litters wherever he wants.

Secondly, by doing unpaid community service children experience new things. Kids can learn how to work in a group or separately. For example, they can divide in small groups, then raise all kinds of charity events, make plans and suggestions how everything should look like, or, on the contrary, teach younger students independently, work on their own, try to make ideas by oneself. Either way, free community service will benefit children a lot.

Finally and most importantly, unpaid community service makes children kind and unselfish. After the experience in charity children become less ignorant about social problems in their country. Such children do not hesitate to help others. Money becomes less important than work itself.

Overall, free community service should become a compulsory part of high school programmes since it gives a lot of new experience and, after all, makes children much kinder and happier.

Words: 266
SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Feb 10, 2014   #2
if unpaid community servicebecame a compulsory part of high school programmes as this type of job gives children the opportunity to discover the real non-Pythagorean problems of today's live .

became suitable for simple past and today's live is not mention past

when doing unpaid community service

I can't find the verb

can strongly

can (modal) face v1

by doing unpaid community service children experience new things

verb?

For example, they can divide in small groups, then raise all kinds of charity events, make plans and suggestions how everything should look like, or, on the contrary, teach younger students independently, work on their own, try to make ideas by oneself.

I think its too long and confusing
SV, or SV

Finally and most importantly,

better change this diction
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Feb 10, 2014   #3
It seems that nowadays at high school children are being taught everything about Pythagorean Theorem and almost nothing about real life experiences and social problems in their country

Well, the children are not only taught everything about Pythagorean Theorem, but there are so many other theorems that they are taught in full. So, I find this hook lacks logic. Remember, if you write a hook that needs to be catchy and interesting to grab the reader's attention. So, naturally it needs to be logical too.

I am not sure whether you have been advised about the structure that you need to follow for the intro.


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