Please revise my essay. i really need feedback to improve my writing skill.
I am confused about the given prompt. It is a difficult essay.
How the question would be for my essay if i misunderstood the prompt.
The question is that
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement. Games are as important for adults as they are for children. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
In my view, games are not important for both adults and children. Children imitate actions in a game, which will bring about aggressive behaviors when working with colleagues after graduation, make bad use of time spent on their education, which will cause laziness when applied for a work, and use much money to buy games' facilities, which result in a short of money when they make money by themselves. Playing games triggers negative effects on their whole behavior.
To start with the example, Mr Joe, a government official, always behaves fiercely towards his coworkers in a company. To illustrate, when he was a child, he always played a game about warfare which focuses on killing enemies. After grown up, he applied for a road company with a manager position. His subordinates always complain to his assistant about the way Mr Joe treats them. The assistant respond to their concerns by saying you have to be patient because this behavior has accumulated since he was a child.
Furthermore, i use Mr Keng as an instance who always sit on a computer all day, and while working in a company, he is reprimanded for delaying assignments. When he was a teenager, he always played a computer, which has big impacts on his studying. His grade was very low, so he was chastised by his father. After graduation, he was qualified to work for an electricity company. He is always hated by his friends because he does not submit projects on time, which causes anger among those who are in the same department.
More important, Mr Karn, a soldier, has been running out of his monthly income from childhood to today. When studying in a high school, he went to a game shop behind the school, which exceeds daily money given by his mother. Nowadays, while serving as a soldier in the army, he has to ask for additional money from his sister because he do not have enough money for use in the whole month.
In conclusion, playing games has a lot of disadvantages for children instead of adults. Children have unusual behaviors which cause big problems when working in team. Children do not know how to use time effectively, which will affect the entire career later. Children do not realize the value of money earned hard by working, which causes robbery in the community.
Hi,
Your essay is good enough if the topic was "Are the games important for children? agree or disagree". You stated beautifully some disadvantages of games for children. I think, your essay should be revised according to the topic.
bring about aggressive behaviors when working with colleagues after graduation, make bad use of time spent on their education, which will cause laziness when applied for a work, and use much money to buy games' facilities, which result in a short of money
Okay, this long sentence is not very logical, because games will not necessarily be about aggression or lead to loss of money. Games are good.
The question asks if games are more IMPORTANT for children than for adults. The answer epends on if you think of the word "game" as something just for children. I think games are important for adults AND children. Adults just like games tht are more complicated than children's games.
Nowadays, while serving as a soldier in the army, he has to ask for additional money from his sister because he do not have enough money for use in the whole month.
These sentences suggest that games lead to a loss of money, but some games do not cost any money. Hide-and-Seek does not cost money.
I think you should write about if they are MORE important for kids than for adults.
:-)
