Please review and give suggestion to my essay. I'm in practice for my upcoming test.
Question: The use of mobile phones in public places is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places, so mobile phones should be banned in the same way. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
The utilization of mobile phones in public area is considered as unsympathetic action as smoking. The latter one is already imposed by strict rules in several places, and some opinion raise among public that it should be implemented to the use of this type of sophisticate technology as well. It is disagreed that the obligatory prohibition on this particular case should be urged and several relevant reason will be presented further in this essay.
The human right is the first thing which should be protected and prohibit people from using mobile phones violate that fundamental aspect. When the sales of this communication technology product is permissible in every part of this world, just like food or other basic needs, it can be inferred that mobile phone has become an important part of human life. There are many research conducted on this discourse and the result is identical each other which told that mobile phone is just as important as daily meal. Thus, the urgency of law-making regarding this is not imperative.
The level of harmful effect produced by mobile phone is another aspect to discuss. The considerable damage to social life influenced by people interact with their gadget in public places is non-existence until this essay is written. Conversely, smoking showed by many research have an obvious danger and the implementation of strict rules on it is a good decision. In this sense, to ban the use of mobile phones in public places is unreasonable.
In conclusion, the right of every people to use their private cell phones and the minimum level of possible drawbacks affected to other citizen are the reason that a ban imposed on it is unacceptable. Therefore, it is easily rejected because such step does not have a significant impact for social life.
The latter one is already imposed by strict rules ...
Strict laws have been already imposed against public smoking, not to mention, some voices are also being raised to ban the usage of handheld electronics in public spaces
The human right is the first thing which should be protected and prohibit people from using mobile phones violate that fundamental aspect.
With all due respect to one's right to utility, the prohibition of mobile phone usage violates some of the crucial societal aspectsWahyu, I honestly think you've intentionally employed whole lot of vocabulary in this article. Let me say that such vast use of diction is toxic for the overall presentation of your essay. You'd rather simply convey your message via common but unique words.
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Wahyu, your opening statement doesn't make any sense. I believe that you tried to simply translate your line of reasoning from your mother language to English. Which created a very confusing presentation in the end. It is important that you present your thoughts in a simple yet understandable manner. I agree with Nanda that you accidentally used too many complex words in this essay. While that was a good attempt on your part to prove your lexical ability, it prevented you from creating an understandable paragraph. So next time, don't try to impress with your words. Try to impress using the logic and sense or meaning of your paragraph instead. It need not use complicated words if you don't know how to properly use the terms you have chosen to develop the paragraph. That is how you fail to get a passing score in one of the 4 major criteria for the test.
Your line of reasoning in this essay is completely flawed and will result in a failing score. You cannot compare mobile phone use in importance to the need for food. Think about it, you will not die if you do not use your mobile phone in public for a few hours. However, if you do not eat for a number of hours, you will get hungry, weak, and, if you do not eat for days, most likely die. None of those scenarios exist in the event of being prevented from using your mobile phone in any instance. So the relevance of reasoning is unacceptable and illogical.
Thanks for your suggestion @nandasharma. I have to admit that i did it intentionally, and that is my method to learn new vocabularies. Next time i'll try to simplify my word.
Dear @holt, I'm not trying to make my essay dazzling. It's just my effective way of learning new vocabulary by using it directly into my writing, and i admit that i still poorly manage it. Next time, i'll try to make my writing more simple and understandable. Thanks again for your suggestion. I have one question, is relevance of reasoning one of the scoring criteria in IELTS test?