The opening paragraph uses too many memorized phrases from the original. These direct cut and paste references will definitely affect the task accuracy score of the essay. It is important that the restatement avoid any and references to the original wordings because those will not reflect his comprehension and rewording skills properly. He is also making a reference to
theoretical benefits of this proposal
which is not indicated in the first version. Therefore the prompt restatement has become inaccurate in relation to the discussion basis. The lack of a clear reasoning statement to back his opinion did not help this paragraph either. The prompt restatement + personal opinion is a failure.
An inability to form proper English sentences and the writer's unfamiliarity with English word usage will further add to the reasons why this essay will fail. The errors could be caused by one of two reasons:
1. Unfamiliarity with English words and its meaning;
2. Lack of proofreading skills. He did not review the draft, look for mistakes, and correct these upon detection.
These are but a few of more than several other problems that the writer is facing with his essay writing. Solving these problems will require more than just vocabulary building and free essay reviews. He must enroll in ESL classes to address his English language shortcomings.