Hi guys, can you help me edit this essay?
Task: The use of cell phones has grown rapidly in the past few years. People use them for both business and personal reasons. What are the advantages and disadvantages of the widespread use of cell phones?
Using cell phones is no longer a rare sight in this society, almost everyone has a cellphone even if they are not fancying new model. However, many people still suspect whether cellphone brings advantages or disadvantages.
On the one hand, cellphones are useful devices. They have brought everyone in this world into closer touch with one another than ever before. We can get in touch with people everytime, everywhere by means of calling, messaging. Especially in some emergency cases, we are able to contact immediately. Moreover, smartphones have provided us with a lot of softwares that help us to see each other without needing to meet in person. In addition, cellphones are also means of entertainment, they can be used to play games, listen to music, watch movies and so on. After hard-working days, cell phones may be smart choices for anyone who want to refresh or relax.
On the other hand, there are also disadvantages. Using cell phones too much may cause a lot of health problems, your eyes may be badly affected, many parts of the body can not work properly. Furthermore, since you own a connected cellphone, you can hardly ignore the interruptions from facebook, email, twitter,ect and what is even worse, sometimes you miss important works to do. Last but not least, cell phones create a barrier between person and person. Before cell phones were invented, we used to spend a plenty of time with families and friends, we talked freely about everything in life. But now, we spend that precious time staring at the screen, playing games, chatting, ect, instead of meeting face to face, they only send a message or make a phone call, therefore, the relationships in society are becoming worse and worse.
In conclusion, everything has two sides: advantages and disadvantages, cellphones are too. However I believe that if we use cell phones in the right way, they will become the most efficient tool in this modern life.
Hi Tran, the detailed descriptions below are my feedback towards your essay. I hope you can follow through.
1st paragraph:
- It is unfortunate that you only paraphrase the question without mentioning your position or stance. There is no thesis statement to indicate your position. You need to write a thesis statement and the outline of it in introduction paragraph for instance "This essay will first suggest that the main benefit of cell phone is its usefulness, while affecting people's health problems is the main drawback."
2nd paragraph:
- There are many cohesive devices instead of "on the one hand and on the other hand". Those are "Furthermore/Moreover/In addition/With regards to/Concerning/Additionally/Initially, and many more". So, why bother using only the same pattern? avoiding repetition would help you achieving a better grade.
3rd paragraph:
- Space, period, comma, and capitalization are also considered as one of the criteria which related to grammatical range and accuracy. You've written some errors about that in this paragraph such as cellphones = cell phone, can not = cannot, facebook = Facebook, email = e-mail, twitter = Twitter, and ect = etc.
4th paragraph:
- I do agree with Thapaliya. I think you need to put more effort in writing conclusion. If you have written a proper thesis statement. Concluding paragraph (1st sentence) is usually the paraphrase of your thesis statement from introduction paragraph. Then, the 2nd sentence would suggestion or recommendation for the reader.
As you can see Tran, you need to keep practicing to reach your desirable score. I hope this is helpful. Good luck for the next practice :)
Hello. First of all, I really enjoyed reading you essay. I think you have a good basis in terms of writing, but you lack structure and clarity.
For example, the introduction is just about paraphrasing the task and outlining your essay.
I agree with the other comments that your conclusion isn't that strong, although it's not bad.
In my opinion, this would be a good structure for the two supporting paragraphs:
Statement/thesis - explanation - result - example
Hope this helps, and keep on writing.
