I would much appreciate if you guys read it and give me some feedback. And also I want to know which band score can I get with this essay, thank you!
Essay topics:
It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behavior to children?
motivation without harm a child
Education plays a very important role in maintaining the sustainability of any society. It gives people the power of critical thinking and sharpens people's skills, therefore, every new generation is a better and a more advanced generation than the previous one. At an early age, education's foremost task, is to guide children to distinguish the good from the bad, and in order to reach the highest level of effectiveness, punishments are applied on them, I personally agree with this assumption only to a certain extent, such extensions and sorts of appropriate punishments will be elaborated on in this following essay.
First of all, I agree with the noble and practical purposes of this opinion, which is to educate children the basic moralities of the society we are living in. From the position of being the older generation, I acknowledge the necessity of teaching children and guiding them on the right paths, therefore they could contribute to society in the future. The early age is the perfect period of time to shape such ideas in their minds and integrate them in the children consciousness. However, I am not fully agreed with the second part of the statement, which is: "punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction."
The reason why I don't fully agree with the aforementioned part of the statement is that extreme punishments should be strongly prohibited due to its negative impacts on their children's neurologic system. Extreme punishments consist of violence, verbal attacks, rejection of personal values, etc. This wrong approachment result in not just a damaged innocent soul but also the severe consequences to the society in the future. Many statistics pointed out that the majorities of criminals, serial killers and psychopaths were victims of extreme punishments they had suffered during their childhood. Therefore, the effectiveness of punishments on children is a very controversial topic at many educational programs and forums.
However, punishments could be allowed to a certain extent. Each individual child is distinctive from one another, which lead to the conclusion that each child requires a different method of teaching or disciplines. Every parent should start with being sympathy and opened up to their children. You can consult on people with expertise or a mentor to deliver the most suitable treatments for your children. Such punishment might include: community services, public apologies, etc.
In conclusion, it is crucial to educate children from a young age to meet up with the standard of morality. However, there are ways to do so without harming the children, both mentally and physically, because all children are demanded to be assured of their well-being, along with the development in their personal values.i absolutely agreed with your opinion and your way which you divide the body of essay!
but i found some mistakes in your grammar :
This wrong approachment results in...
..., which leads to the conclusion => 'which' refers to the previous clause
Every parents should start with sympathizing and opening up to their children
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Le, I am not going to give you a score for this essay because it is your first time writing such an exercise. As such, I expect to see only problems with your work that need to be addressed. There are several issues with your manner of writing that tell me exactly that.
The first problem with your essay is that you created a redundant paraphrase. Both your first and second paragraphs respond to the questions provided in different ways. You only need to properly paraphrase the essay once. The next paragraph must already be a reasoning paragraph. In addition to that, the essay directly asks you to outline the reasoning statement your will be making in the later part of the essay by clearly stating, not implying, what alternative punishments teachers and parents should implement. So you should be indicating at least 2 alternatives in the prompt paraphrase and response. That will be one alternative for teachers, one for parents. That will bring the reasoning paragraphs to a total of 3 paragraphs composed of:
1. An explanation of your partial agreement/disagreement
2. Alternative for teachers
3. alternative for parents.
You have written too many words for this essay. You cannot handwrite this length during the actual test. Make sure to write at least 25 lines at the most to meet the minimum word requirement. That is 250 words within 25 lines, mo more than 300 words at 30 lines. Then you will have time to edit your paper and create a well discussed response presentation.
