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[IELTS-T2] Using smart phones and online platforms leads to lack of human face-to-face communication


thao_nguyen 1 / 1  
Jul 24, 2020   #1
people are losing the ability to communicate face to face

Today more and more people are using mobile phones and computers. Thus, people are losing the ability to communicate face to face. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Hi guys, this is first time I'm joining and posting essay on this forum. I have preparing for IELTS writting exam. Feel free to give your opinion and correct my mistakes. Thank you!

ANSWER

A lot of people nowaday argue that applied technology into life lead to lack of humanity communicate in person by using smart phones and online platforms. I hardly disagree with this opinion, because I belive that can bring people closer more than anytime of human's histories have ever had.

People's lives are much more convenient to connect with each other since these technology products came into life. First, just only need one of smart phone, laptop or computer which accessed wifi and internet, people can make a tons of new friends and potential partners by one click, and asking them to hang out for dating, enjoin to party, new projects or sharing hobbies, stuffs. For example, the founder of Facebook, the most popular social media platform, started first idea of helping his fellows had more easier to getting acquaintance with their crush, after that he is successed to connect people around the world together. Further more, these media can connect long-term and solid relationship than just face-to-face conversation. Infact, a lot of couples get married by the help of matching new one and buil strong relationship through using those technology products via online social media.

Applied information technology also bring varied benefits and valuable advantages for society. Firstly, it allows people finding more opportunities to connecting and collaborating in work, study, career or future plans. In case of graduated student, they can seek their major jobs which hired employment on some of platforms like Mywork, Linkedin, Sharejob,... and get contact with an employer or companies for applied their profile and portfolio to get an interview and a dream job. Beside that, those things could healed community and solved issues. When a cleaning environment challenge spreaded out on internet, a lot of people, especially young generation, created a tons of volunteer teams and groups to gathering together, starting offline activities and then reducing trash and cleaning their local areas, dumping grounds and planting green trees around their living region.

In conclusion, these technology products such as mobile phone, computer are the important factors which can connect people together for happier and better in real life, so I totally disagree that using these could make the meetings are happened less than do not use.

jhhh11 14 / 30  
Jul 24, 2020   #2
Hi! I have some suggestions for you:

"applied applying technology into life"
"humanity communicate in person" --> in-person communication
"more than anytime of human's histories have ever had." --> more than ever before.
"histories" --> we only have 1 --> history

"For example, the founder of Facebook, the most popular ..."
--> This example is irrelevant to your points.

There are some typos: "belive" --> believe, "buil" --> build, etc.

I think that you should work on grammar and spelling more for a better essay!
Bettie Orion 3 / 11  
Jul 24, 2020   #3
Hello! Here are my suggestions. Hope this helps:
+ nowadays
+ make a tons of new friends
+ ... sharing hobbies, stuffs. You should replace this word by using the phrase "and so on"

+ after that he is successed succeeded to ... the world together
+ ... get married by with the help of
+ it allows people finding to find more opportunities to connecting and collaborateing

+ In the case of graduated students
+ Besides that, those things could healed community and solved issues.
+ these technological products
+ make the meetings are happened happenless than
OP thao_nguyen 1 / 1  
Jul 24, 2020   #4
@jhhh11
@Bettie Orion
Thank you guys for the help. I really appreciate it. Have nice weekend!
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,031 2721  
Jul 24, 2020   #5
You are not writing the right amount of words to help you get a better passing score with your essay. By writing 372 words, you ended up using all your time writing. You did not leave enough time to proof read your work. So your essay ended up with a significant number of spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors. All of which you could have corrected if you wrote less (250-290 words) and focused on polishing your content instead.

One of the most significant errors in this essay is your prompt paraphrase. Your representation is confusing. It does not make sense to the reader and it does not clearly restate the original prompt. While you gave a notable extent response to the question, your statement is incomplete as it does not have a subject in the sentence. That whole paragraph is just a big incoherent mess. You should aim to present a clearer presentation next time:

The advent of portable communication devices and gadgets have allowed people to communicate without the need to be physically present with one another. This has resulted in a lessening of the ability of a the population to have person to person interactions. I hardly disagree with this opinion because I believe electronic communication ( The subject of the sentence) can bring people closer together than one on one talk time.

You should not be writing more than 20 sentences for this presentation. Your current discussion is just rambling on, without really getting to the point. There is a lack of clarity in your discussion because you just kept on writing, without focusing on clearly connecting the 2 reasoning paragraphs using related explanations in every reasoning paragraph.

By the way, you cannot use 2 successive punctuation marks in one sentence. Either use a comma or use an ellipses. This is becoming a common error among students. This is also a very serious GRA error that will definitely affect your score.

With regards to your concluding paragraph, you need to work on your presentation. You just created a run-on sentence that does not reflect the previous discussion talking points. You should be able to do that in at least 3 sentences.
hoangtotk6 1 / 2  
Jul 26, 2020   #6
The prompt paraphrase should represent the topic statement, the response to the question, and a direct response to the additional question. Compare my version with yours and you can clearly see why my version would receive the better TA score. It address all of the required TA scoring elements from the start, leaving the rest of the scoring considerations to be scored better as well as the discussion has been clearly outlined already.


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