Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

The value and quality of women's work should be more appreciated


hoiovo 1 / -  
Apr 16, 2017   #1
Topics: Many high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 per cent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women.To what extent do you agree?

Women in the workforce



Some people may think that the high-level positions should not be filled by women. The reason behind that is there is a negative image of female that they are not able to competent the high-level position.However,I disagree.There are two reasons.Firstly,most female nowadays have high education level. Secondly,female are usually attentive and have good communication with others.

Nowadays, both male and female can receive education and most of the female have excellent performance in their study.They have the ability to complete the work of the high-level positions.A fine example of this is there are lots of female professors in universities.Also the chief executive in Hong Kong is a female.This can show that female are able to work in high-level position.

Additionally, female are more scrupulous and have better communication skills.Female are more likely to work in details work. According to the research done in the USA, female are sociable than male.That means female are able to have better communication and relationship with others.Also they have better leadership to lead the colleagues because of their communication skills.

The reasons above can show that female have abilities to work in high-level positions.Therefore, companies should be required more female to these positions.

az23 5 / 13  
Apr 16, 2017   #2
@hoiovo

As I'm not a native speaker myself, I think you shouldn't use the word "female" as you have used in your essay. Instead, the word "women" should be used. Most sentence of the essay contains grammatical errors and I also think that your statements are not supporting your position sufficiently.
Holt - / 7,528 2001  
Apr 16, 2017   #3
Ngai, you have inaccurately discussed the paraphrased statement. The opening statement needs to only deliver your understanding of the prompt topic plus the method of discussion prior to your agreement or disagreement of the topic. An example opening statement for this would be:

These days, men commonly hold positions of high responsibility in companies. This is the situation that exists even as most workplaces have come to be more dominated by women, who sometimes comprise 50 percent of the workforce in a company. This imbalance in the leadership role in offices has led to the debate regarding whether companies must be forced to hire a percentage of women for the high profile jobs. I actually agree that companies should hire more women in positions of responsibility for a number of reasons which will be discussed below.

You need to learn how to pick a strong line of reasoning and then developing the discussion thoroughly in the paragraph. It is best to not confuse things by presenting more than one supporting evidence or opposing evidence in a paragraph so that you can devote your time to delivering a proper discussion of the given reason in relation to the topic. At the moment all of your discussions are not thoroughly developed and therefore, creates a weak argument in support of your position. So, given the shortcomings of your essay, I believe that your essay might score a 4 in an actual setting.


Home / Writing Feedback / The value and quality of women's work should be more appreciated