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A person's worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honour, kindness and trust, no longer seem important.
To what extent do you agree and disagree with this opinion?
Unlike the old days, values have been replaced with social status and wealth in how people see others. Society tends to respect those with money rather than those with admirable attitude. While it is undeniable that social status and material possessions play a part in leveling up people's worth, I strongly disagree if those are the only aspects considered in judging people's worth. In my opinion, there is nothing which can replace someone's good deeds for how their worth in society.
There are just too many cases where people with material possessions have it easy with everything. They can avoid law, get away with problems or have positions in government just by bribing the officials with big amount of money. Those are proofs that social status and material possession without values can lead into a toxic society. They may be seen as someone respectable for some people yet it will not last long. People will eventually leave when they have got what they want already.
On the other hand, those who stay true with their roots, keep showing kindness, and respect other people can earn a long time respect from society. Even if the material they possess is not as much, people will see the good side and even if it takes a long time, they will slowly earn respect and people will judge their worth from what they have done not from what they have possessed.
In conclusion, a person's worth may be judged by social status and material possession however it will not last long when it is not accompanied with great values. People with great values, however, can achieve a great worth even if the social status and material possessions are not owned.
Although some of your sentences are a bit awkwardly worded like your last sentence in your second paragraph, I still understood the message. I do feel that your essay can be better with clearer examples of how people with materialistic goods have life easier.
I feel that most of your sentences are a direct translation from your native language. Most of your words are not accurate in their choice or order.
Regarding your task response, I think you went off topic in paragraph 2. The question is not asking what is the importance of material possessions or how it would make the life easier >>> it's asking about whether they nowadays contribute to a peson's worth perceived by others or the old-fashioned values still have the upper hand in the perception of people's worth. That's what you should refer to in your response.
Fitri, please make sure that you always spell your words properly using the United Kingdom version of the word spelling. That way you show the examiner that you are familiar with the differences in word presentations between American and UK English. While the examiner will make allowances for the differences in spelling, using the native UK way of spelling words will always help to increase your LR score.
Commas are always used after a conjunction but you failed to do that when you said "... for some people, yet it will not last long". The word long-time is always hyphenated. You omitted the hyphen in your presentation. Do not use an apostrophe S when you are indicating a plural form of a word rather than a reference to ownership. Indicate "peoples worth" to show plurality instead of "people's" which shows ownership. Avoid using informal presentations such as "have got". It is more academically proper to indicate "... they have what they want already."
Since this is already a single opinion essay, there is no need for you to remind the reader by saying "In my opinion". Merely state the opinion in a straightforward manner. The prompt already indicates that this is a one point of view essay. Stick to formal language presentations as well.
As for the presentation itself, your prompt paraphrase was correct up until you presented your formal opinion at the end of it. The paraphrase should have ended at the indication of your extent response. The formal opinion presentation should have been presented as the topic sentence for the second paragraph, which is the start of the reasoning discussion. Remember, you have only 5 sentences to completely explain yourself in a paragraph. The explanation of your opinion cannot be completed in the opening paraphrase, hence it cannot be presented in that section of the essay.
The essay seems to focus only on wealth as the given topic. That could lower your TA score as you have 2 other topics to consider for the discussion. You should have used a 3 reasoning paragraph format for this essay so you could have properly discussed every topic contained in the original discussion. By the way, you also made a mistake when you presented a comparative discussion in your 3rd paragraph. This is a single opinion essay, not a comparison of points of view essay so a single focus on an opinion is required.
Your concluding summary lacks a presentation of the original discussion topic and a reference to your personal opinion to complete the presentation. That should have been a 5 sentence paragraph presentation.