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Veteran of Domestic Wars: I need some critique here.


Tizma 1 / -  
Sep 21, 2010   #1
I missed my in-class peer critique session today due to curcumstances beyond my control. So I thought I'd try posting my essay here to get some feedback. I admit; I am nervous because for one, this is the first academic essay I have written in fifteen years. The other reason is; this is a rough draft so...I'm not sure what changes I should make. By the way, our professor stated this is an informal essay so...I ask the reading public to excuse one of the dialogue sentantaces.

Veteran of Domestic Wars

I have never claimed to be one of those sweet, innocent strict female adherers to

fundamentalist Christianity. If anything, I would advertize myself to be a wise woman

that has learned a lot by making mistakes and from life itself. I have never served in any

of the armed forces, but I believe myself to be a veteran of domestic wars. There is one

incident especially that inspired me to believe this.

For many months on end; my husband Isaias would go somewhere without telling

and would disappear for hours at a time. His behavior worried me, and for good reason.

I had been the victim of cheaters before. The first thing any smart woman will notice is;

that the cheater is not spending as much time with you compared against the amount that

he did in days of yore. However, back in my good old days; there was only myself to

worry about. Things have changed and now there is my son Jorge to concern myself

with. So, I asked myself the following hard questions; " Does he see what is going on? If

so, what does this teach him? Could his feelings be hurt by this?"

Isaias' behavior also made me angry. I do not sit on my tail smoking weed and

watching soap operas all day. I keep the house decent enough. It might not be to Martha

Steward standards, but she does not care for an autistic child. I may add; I take very

good care of Jorge. I take him to all of his therapies. I do it without the benefit of a

yellow minivan, or any other type of vehicle. All of the trips are on a Metro bus; therefore

Faria 2

requiring a lot of planning and forethought. I never took any classes in speech language

pathology, however, I believe that being a former sufferer of a speech disorder is enough

of a qualification. I don't know the first thing about physical therapy, but I have

figured out the best way to help Jorge is to keep him moving. I have never attended

any occupational therapist training classes, but my Grandma Faria taught me the value of

keeping little hands busy. I only took an Introduction to Psychology class back in my

OSU of OKC days, yet I am not afraid to talk to Jorge about psychological subjects

such as nightmares.

Even with the fact I was keeping busy, still thoughts intruded into my business

like a burglar desperate to obtain money for a drug addiction. Horrible thoughts; such as

--"What does she have that I don't have? Does he believe that I am so horrible of a

woman that the only relief is escaping? Am I too demanding?"

After a telephone conversation with my best friend, Nick; I was either inspired

or possessed to confront Isaias. After much mental deliberation; I had decided to not

make my suspicions the issue with Isaias. It was as if my Spiderman spider sense told me

that it could possibly make things worse. I also based one of my reason on fact;

Isaias had once told me he did not like jealous women. I thought of one more thing; a

statement that I had made to all the cheating bozos of my colorful past, "Go mess with

the rest, because you no longer can have the best. It's over!"

My next thought became, "What to make the issue?" For some odd reason, I had

A Temple Grandin moment. I had seen the gang graffiti of MS 13 on a fence on the way

to a clinic that I obtain medical services from. The picture was not in front of me, but in

Faria 3

my brain. On July 5, 2010; I confronted Isaias. I enquired, "Why do you up and leave the

house for several hours, without telling me where you are going first?"

"But I always come home with groceries. And the stores are crowded," he stated.

I thought it was odd that he was trying to shift away from the subject. "But this is

a bad neighborhood. There are signs that MS 13 hangs out in Ms. Lettie's complex. I

also don't like not having an answer when Jorge asks me, 'Where did dad go?' Do you

have any idea what that could do to him psychologically?"

"But one time I come home late because I stopped for food. The bus run late because of

the rain."

Now he is changing the subject all together. I said in an angry bitch tone, "First off, that

is a different ballgame. I am not that stupid! I ride the bus sometimes, thank you. I

have noticed that indeed; the buses run late when it rains. Now listen nicely. This has to

deal with going out of the house without telling me where you are going first. This is a

consideration issue. From now on, I want you to be considerate enough to tell me where

you are going first. You demand that out of me. I don't take double standard bullshit

from anyone."

He acted in his typical way, he got real quiet. Mind you, he behaved the way I had

insisted from then on. I had felt better knowing that I had confronted him over that

outrageous behavior. The way he handled the conversation itself forever broke my

trust. I might be a veteran of domestic wars, but even an old soldier keeps an eye on what

enemy forces are up to.
ershad193 14 / 333 5  
Sep 22, 2010   #2
For many months on end; my husband Isaias would go somewhere without telling

The semicolon should be a comma.

The first thing any smart woman will notice is; that the cheater is not spending as much time with you compared against the amount that he did in days of ore .

This one...same as above. Also, the word "to" would sound better than against.
Typo I believe --> ore ...should be yore.

However, back in my good old days; there was only myself to worry about.

So, I asked myself the following hard questions; " Does he see what is going on? If so, what does this teach him? Could his feelings be hurt by this?"

These two, also.

Okay, a semicolon is only used when the two parts of the sentence you are joining can stand as independent sentences. In most of your cases, they don't.

Grandma

Incorrect capitalization.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 24, 2010   #3
There is one

incident especially that inspired me to believe this.

I think this sentence should be changed so that it specifies the experience and gives a little hint about the "theme" for this lesson or observation. Let the first para end with a sentence that intrigues the reader by hinting at what is to come.

Now he is changing the subject all together. I said in an angry bitch tone--- keep the verb tense consistent. You can put it all in present tense:

Now he is changing the subject all together. I said say in an angry bitch tone...

Hey, your last sentence does not make sense. Even an old soldier keeps an eye on the enemy... you are not an old soldier!

Anyway, be a soldier by being fearless and by being willing to not be in a relationship if that is necessary. If you are a soldier and you still think he is cheating, don't let Christianity stop you from getting a new situation! Even in Jesus' day, adultery was grounds for divorce.

You seem to have a lot of potential as a writer! Maybe this is your first "essay" in 15 years, but I suspect you have been a writer all along!


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