Please comment on my essay below. Many thanks.
Topic: Some people claim that video games are harmless fun, or even a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that they are having on adverse effect on children. Do you agree or disagree?
The more society develops, the more popular recreation is. One of the best common kinds of entertainment is video games which attract most of young people all over the world. Despite the fact that these have brought many benefits to education, amusement, advertisement,etc,it should be stressed that the overall impact of computer games has two aspects. Commendable and imperfect points of this heated question will be thoroughly examined as follows.
It is undeniable that video games should have become valuable source of learning and recreation for young people. Firstly, these provide an excessive of educational benefits. In particular, computer games help children not only develop problem-solving and analytical skills, such as drawing conclusion, seeking alternatives and making predictions, but also increase cognitive skills and encourage practical experience. Moreover, this kind of entertainment encourages creativity,initiatives and mental power as well as is used to teach and reinforce academic subjects such as enhancing mathematic and physical skills. Secondly, computer games are designed to fulfill people's need of entertaining. Specifically, most computer games offer a multiplayer function that players can invite people to share their recreation.
On the other hand, the detrimental effects of video games are issues that should not be ignored. Initially, video games industry should be blamed for the increased wild behaviour in teenagers. That encourages violent tendencies such as aggression antisocial behaviour, and recklessness. There are numerous favourite games which show graphic fight scenes where the most brutal is most applauded. Besides to decrease interaction and social skills, computer games also cause psychological and mental problem such as tension, mental disorders. Most importantly, this kind of recreation takes up much of children's leisure time and results in poor eyesight and fragile health of children.
In conclusion, video games and facilities that they provide people is really an advantage for development of modern world. Providing that game companies tend to develop educational games more attractive and competitive, simultaneously limit all of harmful games, our communities can enormously benefits from high technology
What is the purpose of this writing? Preparing for IELTS or TOEFL? You better mention the purpose in the title itself so that others can provide you with more meaningful and task related feedbacks.
The more society develops, the more popular recreation is.
I think you should have more meaningful and interesting sentence to be your hook. I feel this one needs improvement.
Commendable and imperfect points of this heated question will be thoroughly examined as follows
Your prompt is pretty straight forward. It's asking you whether you agree or disagree. State your opinion before you conclude your introduction. The reader likes a straight forward approach rather than vague.
It is undeniable that video games should have already become valuable source of learning and recreation for young people. Firstly, these provide an excessive of educational benefits. In particular, computer games help children not only develop problem-solving and analytical skills, such as drawing conclusion, seeking alternatives and making predictions, but also increase cognitive skills and encourage practical experience. Moreover, this kind of entertainment encourages creativity,initiativesinattentiveness and mental power.as well as isThey are also used to teach and reinforce academic subjects such as enhancing mathematical and physical skills.
I think the expression 'etc' is neither very appropriate in academic writings, nor be counted as a word, so this is confusing. Maybe it'd be better if you replace it with 'and so on' or include the expression 'such as' before you enumerate examples.
