question:Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better?
answer:In my view staying with the family for a longer time is better.Family is like a group which always their to support each others in their matter.I think staying with the family is always better than staying as a individual because we can enjoy things together as we know more we spread our happiness it will grow more.
First reason why I would prefer this is that staying in family can make us happy and responsible person in our life.We can get advice of our parent if we are going in the wrong direction.If anyone is disappointed by some thing in his life,then parents increase their children's confidence.Additionally,parents are always supportive to their children.We can enjoy things together like going to the trip and any festival.
Another reason I feel is that it teaches us that how to help each others.If someone is ill in the family then another member can do his/her household work.Also family member always their to help each other in their bad time.These conditions teaches us the value of responsibility.
Finally,I believe that staying in the family is also better to feel safe.for example,if we stay in family with four-five members then we will be always be safe.Nowadays security is most important thing in human's life.So staying in family will be always helpful for not only one person but also for all members of family.
In conclusion,for these reason I will prefer to stay with the family for a longer time.I feel not only with parents but I will choose to stay with my brothers and sisters as well.Because more member of family get more happiness and more security.
I completely agree with the stance your taking. Staying with family for a longer period of time is helpful, but only in certain situations. For example, if you feel the need you have to help care for people in your family, it can teach you responsibility. At the same time I feel like leaving/ being independent is helpful because you can learn a little bit more responsibility and how to be more independent. If you stay with family longer they my try to baby you and help you more than you need. Anyway i do agree with your approach to this essay, I do believe that you should elaborate a little more on your second reasoning.
I think you must further your reasonings.
in first argument
1. How exactly do parents increase kids' confidence because in many families, parents don't and thus kids move out not needing the help. So provide some details and explanations on how confidence boosting by parents work
in second argument
1. I agree with the fact that If someone is ill in the family then another member can do his/her household work
2. How do family members cooperate in bad times? provide specific examples.
in the last argument
1. Having more family members doesn't guarantee safety. In fact having more family members sometimes can be a burden and more dangerous. But to make your argument work, provide more explanations and how having multiple family members provide safety.
Are you writing this essay for a TOEFL practice test? If you are, then you need to follow the correct writing format that dictates that a restated prompt, overview of the discussion, and your personal opinion be stated completely in the introductory paragraph. Your line of reasoning in the essay is also shallow and weak. The best way to have approached this kind of essay is by writing it in a compare and contrast method. Using that particular style of writing would have added strength to your personal point of view and give you a position of leverage when presenting the positive aspect of your opinion. Your conclusion does not follow the correct format for the essay either. There is no restate prompt, summary of facts, and reiteration of your opinion. Try to refrain from starting your sentence with "Because" since that is a violation of sentence structure and grammar rules. Your essay leaves a lot to be desired in terms of properly addressing the prompt. My opinion is that you should revise it in a manner that will make it smoother to read and contain a stronger conviction to help convince the reader that your opinion is the right one.
I think you have to revise in a such way
yeah,I write this essay for TOEFL.and Thanks a lot for your feedback.
