Question: Children today play very violent games. This must be the reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the world. What are your opinions on this?
Answer:
Recently, the proportion of violence and crime is increase in the most major cities of the world. Some people think it is the consequence of state children play very violent games. I believe that they are true because two main reasons after: violent games affect negative effect to behaviour of player, and it make player waste of money that link to violence and crime.
At first reason, the effect of violence games: scientists had found the evidences about passive impact of violent games to action of player. According to new report, when people play violent games, their brain is obsessed by images on game. Therefore, they act violently similar to things in their mind. As the result, it make more violence and crime.
Second, the money master: when children play games, they need a lot of money to satisfy needs of games. For example, money for play's fee, money to buy equipments on games. Specially, to violent games, player need to spend more than usual games. So, if they do not have money, they will often rob or steal. That's why the rate of crime is increase.
To sum up, i agree with opinion that violent games is one of the reasons for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the world. I reckon we need to control this problem to protect our children.
first, you write only 228 word, less than 250 words.
...effect to on behaviour of player ...
...it makesplayer ..
...had found the evidences about... evidence is uncountable noun
...it makes more violence ...
...player needs to spend...
...the reasons for the increaseing in violence and crime...
note:
player is singular noun. so it needs an article a / the . if you don't want to use an article, you can change it into plural noun.
your idea is good, but you need to develop it so you can reach at least 250 words.
keep trying ..
Recently, the proportion of violence and crime is increasehave increased in the most major cities of the world.
I believe that they are true because because of two main reasons (...) it make player waste of their money that link to violence and crime.
Thao, regardless of the grammar probloems in your essay, I have to say that the development of your discussion is weak, ill informed, and will definitely not serve to prove that you a clear understanding of the topic and a passing ability to use the English language. This essay is so badly written that it will not pass the actual test.
None of the reasons that you presented are completely developed. There is a lack of accurate discussion and information in the overall essay. You neglected to present acceptable evidence because you were not able to support your claims in the proper manner throughout your discussion. Aside from that, there is even the problem of formatting in your essay.
Your essay does not follow the guidelines for a properly developed essay. You need to create individual paragraphs because you have separate paragraph topics being presented in the essay. Each paragraph should be represented by a thorough and fully developed discussion of the idea you presented. Lengthen the discussion. That is the way that you can prove your English abilities to the examiner. Short essays mean uncertainty on your part. so make it longer and show confidence in your English language usage skills.
Thank you all for your comments. I will listen to you and fix my error.
