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Violence is a hot phenomenon in the young generations in this day and age


lily89 7 / 6  
Apr 2, 2016   #1
Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?


Violence is a hot phenomenon in the young generations in this day and age which several communities including psychologist argue that this issue was boosting due to lack of educational stakeholder surveillance. Yet, the advance technology development also has a major part of children crime.

A large number of psychologists consider that parents and teachers are in first rank roles in the children's lives so they have to responsible in the increasing level of criminals by kids. This is because youngster do not get attention and affection condition from both characters. The research of Bradford Wilcox from Institute for American Values several years ago revealed that the percentage of teenagers in step families showed an increasing above ˝ of adolescents in worse emotionally which leads to serious physical abuse. Incomplete family mostly displays delinquent behaviors which relate to criminality. It means that supportive circumstance particularly at home and school is very important to limit children in crime.

The impact of media as a part of technology development also influences on children's attitudes and behaviors. The power of technology such as television and multimedia which presents violence is of a negative effect for teenagers. In the study, Patti M. Valkenburg, PhD, a researcher at the University of Amsterdam PhD, and team reported in the December 2006 Journal of Communication found an abuse of internet use specially on porn which was accessed by youngsters. So, the role model from porn motivates young people on sexual attitude which has a risky crime. The child's abuse and media have a close relation.

To sum this up, although parents and teachers are the main aspect on children development, the huge role of media to influence crime on kids are inevitable. It is imperative that the effective guidance could control and protect in order to against children's abuse.

Juniedang 3 / 9  
Apr 2, 2016   #2
The good thing is you are trying to you a wide range of vocabulary. The usage of academic/advanced words will boost your score.

However, some words are unnecessary which either cause repetition or make it sound less natural.

There are also some single/plural form mistakes that you can avoid by proofreading your essay.

In general, it is a good attempt.
wahyu 16 / 28 1  
Apr 3, 2016   #3
whats app Lily your essay is good, i have a suggestion to your conclusion paragraph :
you can make more than 2 sentences and
you can use this pattern :
1. restatement the question
2. opinion,
3. new idea such as hope, recommendation

To sumthis up, although parents and teachers are the main ...

my suggestion :
To sum up, it is evident that although parents and teachers are the main aspect on children development, the huge role of media to influence crime on kids are inevitable. It is imperative that the effective guidance could control and protect in order to against children's abuse. Then i hope that in the future the council can more persuasive to push the families and school to pay more attention than in this era to solve the problem.


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