TOEFL Essay "There is too much violence in movies"

There is too much violence in movies

From the times of the black-and-white mute movies a content and popular plots of the films have changed radically and quickly. Moreover, a movie plot is considered to be a mirror of the society and the processes that prevail in it. To illustrate it, the majority of today's films show human interactions full of crimes and other cruel acts. In spite of the fact that movie content depends on social environment I am inclined to believe that films should not be so brutal.

First of all, "cinematographic violence" is harmful for the children's psychological development and, in further, their perception of the world around. How do the scientists explain the impact of brutal movies on the young people? It is well known, that children are easy to perceive the images of the heroes, who usually use a weapon to reach their aims, including such honorable one as rescuing the world. So from children's point of view, the crimes should not be convicted in all cases: they are considered to be necessary when it comes to some extremely important goal. To illustrate this fact, «Die Hard» was quite popular among youth. Although it is necessary to realize that its main character being the cruel killer has become an attractive hero and so does his pattern of behavior.

In addition to above, the brutal movies stimulate aggressive behavior of the adults. The most dangerous is that this impact is unconscious. In other words, we are unable to put our emotions including negative ones under mental control. Unfortunately, this cause to the great number of accidents when the victims were killed or injured by the fans of some movie character.

All things considered, we are obliged to pay attention to the plots of the movies as it is important for our mental health and health of the young generation of the movie lovers. In my opinion, cruel films should be allowed only for a limited part of the day. Besides, I believe that violent scenes must be removed from the cartoons and childish films at all.

Maryana Semehen

Thank you in advance)

... actually, it's not that films are brutal but they contain scenes of brutal events. Better you rephrase this sentence.


... the first part is fine, but the second part drops :(
First of all, "cinematographic violence" can have very harmful effects on young minds and may negatively influence on how they perceive the world.

--> Don't start a sentence with "So". Use "therefore", "hence" or "thus" instead.


--> This is an incomplete sentence. A sentence with "Although" must have this formula: Although + subject 1 + verb 1, subject 2 + verb 2.



Pay attention to your grammar, it is crucial. Also, when you post your next essays, include the full topic so that other people can help you better according to the topic.

Best

.... you need to improve clarity. It does not flow well and better re-phrase.
Throughout your essay, I find very complicated sentences. You have good points, but you fail to express them in a simple, yet convincing manner. The reader finds it hard to understand what you try to mean in one go.

Thank you for useful comments