Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

IELTS: VIOLENCE SHOWN ON TV AND IN THE CINEMA MIGHT EXPLAIN YOUNG PEOPLE'S VIOLENT BEHAVIOUR


Daniel1998 4 / 8  
Jul 23, 2016   #1
A lot of people believe that the amount of violence shown on TV and in the cinema affects the actions of our young people and therefore increases the amount of violence in our society today. Do you agree or disagree?

I need reassurance that I am on the right path and my essay can score at least a band 6.5 or band 7. Please do not fear to express your opinions. Personally, I do not think this is the best essay I have ever written.


It is commonly believed that some television programs and films playing in the cinema have an extremely violent and inappropriate content, which negatively impacts on youngsters' behaviour. In my opinion, this might be an explanation for the increasing amount of violence occuring in our society today. However, I also think that the poor education the child has received could be a plausible reason for the matter in question.

Going to the cinema is something young people do every now and then in order to spend time with their friends or family, as opposed to watching television, which is part of their daily schedule. Today, many teenagers are addicted to television, which is a serios problem, given the fact that the majority of them are unaware of the effects it can have upon their behaviour. Both the film industry and the television promote characters who are not necessarily evil, but they are constantly involved in the fights. Most youngsters tend to idolize these characters and want to be as powerful as they are. They do not differentiate between reality and fiction anymore. Consequently, they become violent and feel entitled to bully those people whom they consider inferior to them.

The news programs can also affect the way children act. The world is far from being a safe place. For instance, watching news related to wars, crimes or different types of accidents can strongly impact emotionally on children. They might believe that violence is the only alternative to survive and take care of themselves.

On the other hand, the child's wild personality could reflect the family environment he has lived in. A teenager who has benefited from valuable parenting is bound to be able to stick to reality and not imitate everything they see on television or in the cinema. Conversely, one who has lived in a family environment where acts of aggression have been frequent and deemed ordinary is likely to develop ferocious traits.

To conclude, there is no doubt that the programs and films young people watch on television and in the cinema respectively damage their behaviour. I strongly support the idea that measures against this unpleasant phenomenon ought to be taken so that to reduce the amount of violence faced by our society.

RadhiyahFahra 1 / 2  
Jul 24, 2016   #2
Hi Daniel, Here my suggestion

some television programs and films playeding in the cinema> should be passive

the poor educationthat> need conj the child has received

Going to the cinema is something young people do every nowrecently

which is a seriosserious> misspelling problem
Laraib 1 / 4  
Jul 24, 2016   #3
... measures against this unpleasant phenomenon ought to be taken - needs to be passive voice so that to ...
Every now and then in order (you can rewrite this every now and then to spend time ..) to spend time with their friends ...
giangnt248 2 / 8 2  
Jul 24, 2016   #4
... this unpleasant phenomenon ought to be taken so that to reduce the amount of violence faced by our society.
I think that it should be corrected as:so as to as the formula i've learned: so that + S+V/// so as to +Verb


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS: VIOLENCE SHOWN ON TV AND IN THE CINEMA MIGHT EXPLAIN YOUNG PEOPLE'S VIOLENT BEHAVIOUR