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Ielts writing task 1, visitors' evaluation about Bowen Island


vuthaihoa74 2 / 5 1  
Oct 25, 2019   #1

advantages and disadvantages of Bowen Island



The two pie charts given provides evaluation of visitors who come to Bowen Island in terms of their satisfaction and disatisfation about common features of this islands.It is clear that according to visitors' opinions there are as many disadvatages as advantages.

With regard to negative feedbacks, high cost of living is by far the most prominent factor that is considered as disadvantage by half of the tourists. Meanwhile, a quarter of people coming to this island for tourism are not much keen on entertainment service. The remaining 25% show criticism on weather (15%) and "food quality" (10%).

As for positive features visitors are really fond of the local with more than 40% of good feedbacks. This is followed by the scenery with satisfaction from 35% of tourists. Good accomodation and culture are the least common advantages with just over one tenth of tourists (for each factor) saying they are satisfied.

It is also interesting to note that although the cost of living is expensive, most of the visitors give good mark to inherent beauties of this island such as culture, people, unspoilt nature rather than foods and entertainment.




Maria - / 1,099 389  
Oct 26, 2019   #2
@vuthaihoa74
Hello. Welcome to the forum! I hope that you gather something useful from this feedback.

Be cautious firstly of the punctuation marks. From the get-go, that first paragraph needs to have more divisiveness of content by incorporating more marks. Remember that the punctuation should be placed wherever a pause is necessary. Knowing when to use these marks will definitely help improve the overall flow of your writing.

Furthermore, transitions should be improved. Notice how there's a lack of cohesiveness with the second and third paragraph's respective first introductions. If you may, try to stick with more traditional patterns of transition. Words such as moreover and furthermore should be used with full knowledge of what these mean.
OP vuthaihoa74 2 / 5 1  
Oct 27, 2019   #3
@Maria
thank you very much, your comment is very useful to me. I will take your advice for the next times. Could you please give a mark for my writting? Thanks
roswita116 16 / 37 17  
Oct 30, 2019   #4
@vuthaihoa74
Hi, there. I would like to give you some writing feedback.😁😁

1.the two pie charts "provide" (or show)---- Don't put 2 verb at the same time. Choose either of them.

2.your second part of your writing should be "overall", it is better not to put number in this part. If you want to tell detail about the chart, please illustrate detail in your third paragraph.

3. In paragraph 4, it is better to compare what is the difference between 2 charts and write down the relevant points related to each charts. In this paragraph, it is better to write down the specific number to compare. (Ex: ...such as culture(12%), people(42%),unspoilt nature(35%) rather than foods(10%) and entertainment(25%)

But here is a small bug, actually entertainment is a disadvantage and the percentage is higher than culture. So if you really want to compare, it would be better to omit either culture nor entertainment to make your writing task 1 meet a correct statistic.

Hope it would help.😁
OP vuthaihoa74 2 / 5 1  
Oct 31, 2019   #5
@roswita116
thanks for your help, but there are some points in your comment i need you to explain more clearly::
First, there is no "show" in the introduction. I just use "provide".
Second, I follow the structure that is recommended in a textbook in ielts writting, so i put the "introduction sentence" and "overall view" in the firsy graph. and i think my essay shows enough information about proportion.
roswita116 16 / 37 17  
Nov 3, 2019   #6
@vuthaihoa74

Hi, there. Hope this finds you well.😁😁
Thank you for your feedback.
I think cause every person learn from different textbook so that we can share our different writing structures and ideas here.
What I learned from Task 1 writing structure is ::

Paragraph 1. Introduction. ( Paraphrase )
Paragraph 2. Overall (provide major trends and general information,never write numbers,percentage or dates here)
Paragraph 3. Features ( with specific numbers)
Paragraph 4. Features or comparison (with specific numbers)

You can take it as a reference and hope it would help your future writing. 😁😁


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