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TOEFL: MORE VOCATION TIME Vs HIGHER SALARY


eating105 2 / 3  
Mar 9, 2011   #1
please give my suggestion about my essay. Thanks a lot.
title: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? A job with more vacation time is better than a job with high salary but less vacation time.

Some people think money is everything so that they are willing to work for all day and sacrifice their vacations; however, others disputes this phenomenon because they say the life is short and don't waste the time on your boring job. As for me, I agree with that a job with more vacation time is better than a job with high salary but less vacation.

First of all, if you work too hard without enough rest, you will get sick not only in the physiological status, but also in your mental condition, even though with plentiful salary. Working hard can run your energy out, make you exhausted, and the only way to save you from the mud of being in bad spirit is go on vacation. I used to take it as the most important thing to earn money by which it can satisfy with all my want and push me become the wealth, before. The first three years after just graduating, I found a higher-salary position, arriving at my office at eight o'clock every morning, starting to work and shutting down my computer until the midnight, even extending my working hours on the weekend. Finally, I had illness severely, staying at home for the whole month, even was given an injection for my immune system recovery and rook medicine for reducing my anxiety. Those days being on the bed let me realize how important it was to be health and money never bought it anymore if I lost it. Hence, a job with less resting time may destroy your body under your unconsciousness no matter how strong you are.

Second, enjoying your vacation can add colors into your life. At those days for working days and nights, I missed lots of opportunities to hang out with my families and friends. All around me were related to the dull and tasteless business affairs. Gradually, my friends didn't invite me to their reunion because I chose my work. But, I'm changed now, knowing to arrange a date meeting my old companies, as well as to have a trip around the world for making new friends. Comparing to the days with all-day working hard in the past, I become happier and more optimistic. What I do during my vacation right now enriches my living value and refills my mind, also, earn my friendships back.

In sum up, from the discussions above, although money is useful to get some luxuries, some things you still can't afford it except you have enough free time, such as your health, friendships, or life experience. Thus, I believe totally that picking up a job with more vacation time is a preferable option.

KathyLala 20 / 116  
Mar 9, 2011   #2
=> others dispute this phenomenon (others is plural)

=>they say life is short, and you don't waste the time on your boring job

=> I used to take it as the most important thing to earn money by which it can satisfy with all my want and push me become the wealth, before. (This sentence needs to work a bit, since you already use "used", it means before so that you don't need to repeat "before" at the end of your sentence. Also, your coma is in wrong place)=> I used to think that earning substantial income (or a lot of money) can satisfy my desire and bring me a wealthy life (living)

=> Afterward, I had illness severely...

=> ...whole month. Eventually, I was given an injection for my immune system recovery and rook medicine for reducing my anxiety

=> how important it was to be healthy, and money couldn't bring it back if I lost it

=> What I do during my vacation right now enriches my living value, refills my mind, and earns my friendships back.

=> some things you still can't afford it except you have enough free time, such as your health, friendships, or life experience (difficult to understand)

I think you don't have a lot of errors, but you stuff so many idea in one sentence so I would suggest you break it and write it simple and clear.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,339 129  
Mar 13, 2011   #3
Awesome, Kathy...

Ellen, can you easily understand the corrections made here?

Some people think money is everything, so they are willing to work all day and sacrifice their vacations; however, others dispute this way of thinking, phenomenon because they say the life is short and don't we should not waste the time on your our boring jobs.

In sum up,
In conclusion, from the discussions above, although money is useful for getting get some luxuries, it is also true that you still cannot buy some things but instead must gain them naturally by keeping some free time, such as your health, friendships, or life experience. ---This sentence became very complicated!

:-)


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