Ok so here is an essay about war. Could use some critique. Thank you
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War
William Tecumseh Sherman states the impeccable and bitter definition of war in his famous quote ,"I am tired and sick of war. It's glory is all moonshine. It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood, for vengeance, for desolation. War is hell." Undoubtedly, war is hell. A carnage where blood flows as if water. Being a veteran of war, William Tecumseh further explains his thoughts about war that , "War is cruelty. There is no use trying to reform it. The crueler it is, the sooner it will be over."Just like fire, the stronger it burns the sooner it stops . Being an anti-war, Voltaire states the bitter truth of war that "It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets." When you think about it, it really is the truth albeit the saddest of the truths.
There was a time, long ago, when I did not have a detrimental opinion of war, I used to think wars are necessary for the betterment of the world and achieving peace but I was proven wrong when I went to visit a friend in Kashmir. It was just like any other Sunday. The people of Kashmir were enjoying the wonderful pure spring breeze touching their faces, a cold breeze on a warm sunny afternoon felt like an ice-cream after a hot meal. The air was clear and smelt of the luscious orange fields and lake water. Chirping of birds was echoing everywhere. Suddenly, there was a distant hum. A hum deeper than the blue of the sky on a clear day. The gleaming faces of the people turned horrified because that hum was the harbinger of destruction. A call for carnage. It was the sound of the Indian military's tank, a monster of the modern world whose thirst only satiates with ash and blood. The air suddenly turned pungent for the "monster" had entered the atmosphere with its brown body splattered with scarlet and guts of Homo Sapiens. The camouflage texture was hardly visible anymore. It had arrived to eradicate everyone, who spoke the words of freedom, from existence. There was a deep silence for a few seconds. As silent as world could ever get. The Indian soldiers unleash the AK-47 mounted on top of the tank, at the people. The screams and cries of the people were deafening. The sound of the AK-47 was almost non-existent amongst the screaming echoes of souls departing from bodies. The ground was a deep red glittering because of the sun with pink hues of guts and intestines. It was like the festival of "Holi" . Only difference was that the atmosphere was not vividly colored because of the powdered colors but human flesh and blood. The golden bullets of iron shimmering in the sunlight pierced the flesh like a needle pierces cloth. The bodies were filled with orifices. Faces were demolished and unrecognizable. There is nothing but meat now. The blood flows and humanity laughs. The animals laugh too, with joy that they are not humans. Just another Sunday. This is the true face of war.
It also seems that if peace were to continue for a long period, people would become sick of the monotony of peace and seek war for change. War is defined as, "a state of usually open and declared armed hostile conflict between states or nations." And peace is defined as, "freedom from or the cessation of war or violence." They are the opposites of each other. While a war destroys, peace creates. And man is always stuck in this eternal loop. He constructs and then demolishes. Man is the worst enemy of himself. Man is a highly dynamic creature and it seems that he cannot remain contented merely with works of peace.. He wants something thrilling and full of excitement and rush and he fights in order to get an outlet for his accumulated energy. It must be admitted to that war does have its good side. It spurs men to heroism and self-sacrifice. It is an incentive to scientific research and development. War is obviously a thrilling escape from the laziness of peace.
Ororo, I am a bit lost about the actual concentration of this paper. I think it is because you presented us with an essay, the topic being war, but without the specifics that come with topic. What is the question that your essay is trying to answer? We don't know what the question is so we cannot tell if you have written an essay that answers the question. So please tell us what the question you are trying to answer is. An academic essay includes a restated prompt, overview of the discussion, and your opinion, I did not see any of that in your first paragraph which is known as the introduction.
William Tecumseh is an important part of your essay. You make reference to him several times throughout the essay. While it informs us about his point of view, for those of us unfamiliar with Tecumseh beg to wonder who he is and why his is so central to your paper. Therefore, you need to ease the reader into the background of this person. Who he is and why point of view on war is very important. Without that, he is just a name who is saying something about war. His inclusion in the essay does not carry any academic weight.
What is the connection of Tecumseh with the war you are discussing? There was no transition statement on your part that could have prepared us for the sudden discussion about the events of a war. Then you suddenly spoke of peace. Again, just as suddenly as you spoke of war. You need to prepare your readers for these topic transitions. It doesn't just happen. By suddenly changing topics, your essay becomes inconsistent in discussion. It comes across as lacking direction. So you need to adjust your writing style to include transition sentences.
