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War weapons and increasing rapid pace of life today causes more problems than it solves


quocthai7005 3 / 6 2  
Jan 1, 2014   #1
Please review my GRE essay and provide comments as it will help to improve my writing skills

Since the second half of last century, people around the world has been witnessing increasing pace of every aspect of life. On considering the consequences of this change, some people argue that astonishing tempo of life is causing more problem than it can settle. This statement is obviously true. Hasty development is resulting in far more troubles beyond human's ability to solve than the number of problems settled.

First, with increasing amount of work and development of technology, quick tempo of life afflicts people's health and relationships. Spending more and more time studying and working to earn a good living and move up the ladder, hardly do people have sufficient time to take care of their health. What is more, much less time is spent for family gathering and friends who are crucial factors of happiness and healthiness. Besides, the changing pace of life along with development in technology also alters people's habits. Instead of hanging out with friends or spending time with family members, people are becoming much more addicted to electric devices with which they can entertain themselves with games, chatrooms and so on. These changes, therefore created more serious problems to personal life than it can solve.

Besides, this negative trend can also be explained partly by the deterioriation of the environment. Since the industrial revolution in the UK, people have been hurriedly exploiting a great amount of natural resources to accommodate growing demand. Although the global exploitation has undeniably bolstered economic growth and improve standard of living, it also causes complex environmental problems. For example, fossil fuels such as coal, petroleum and natural are huge sources of energy to generate electricity and power transportation system, making manufacturing of goods possible, but the excessive use of them leads to environmental problems, climate change and shortage of energy in the near future. Furthermore, these consequences may have negative knock-on effects on plants, animals and human's lives.

Last but not least, many countries are inventing more dangerous war weapons to keep pace with global development as well as boost their position in the world stage. Arms race between countries is definitely threatening people's lives. Such weapons as nuclear bombs and missiles can cause enormous damage directly and indirectly. With these kinds of weapons in their hands, countries are becoming more and more aggressive and threatening the peace of this world. The increasing pace of life, reflected in such political and diplomatic aspect, is causing great trouble to human.

In conclusion, the hasty pace of life is creating more problems than it solves. Unfortunately, slowing it down is an incredible task. Instead, governments should be more responsible for their actions and issue policies that can maintain sustainable development. Every person should consider short-term and long-term effects before making a decision.

minaf 3 / 10 3  
Jan 1, 2014   #2
Well done!
I found your essay extremely good and acceptable,
because of following reasons:
1. Nice rewording in introduction
2. The paragraphs ordered well
3. Had examples so as to supporting the idea
4. Had prediction in conclusion
OP quocthai7005 3 / 6 2  
Jan 1, 2014   #3
Thank you for your comment!
I am always wondering if the second and the third paragraph in the body is relevant to the topic or not.
SreeSam 12 / 38 7  
Jan 2, 2014   #4
You write very well. As you mentioned in comment above , i feel that second paragraph is somewhat deviating from the topic sentence.

Below two sentences can be removed ,

Spending more and more time studying and working to earn a good living and move up the ladder, hardly do people have sufficient time to take care of their health. What is more, much less time is spent for family gathering and friends who are crucial factors of happiness and healthiness. Besides, the changing pace of life along with development in technology also alters people's habits.
OP quocthai7005 3 / 6 2  
Jan 2, 2014   #5
I got it, the second paragraph is a bit off topic.

I wrote those two sentences to support the topic sentence of this paragraph. Could you tell me why I should remove them?
SreeSam 12 / 38 7  
Jan 3, 2014   #6
I told that since you have not mentioned points about the factors which are creating problems.
Spending time for studying is always not a problem. With the emergence of latest technology, only when you spend time in unnecessary stuff like getting addicted to movies, chatting over the net all night , etc, will bring problems I belief.


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