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The Warrior (telling a story): mark-up my essay and give any advice


reannen77 1 / -  
Apr 22, 2010   #1
I'm a horrible comma-splicer! Any and all advice will be gratefully accepted.

Assignment:
Length: 2-3 pages

Write a paper (or letter) that informs your readers by telling them a story. Your paper should narrate an entire story (beginning, middle, and end). Your answer should:

1. Include adequate details about the events in the story

2. Use a clear organizational structure, including transitions, an introduction

and a conclusion

3. Use effective and appropriate diction

4. Express ideas smoothly and fluently

TOPIC:

Write a description of a parent or relative at a certain age, for example, "My Brother at Fourteen" or "My Mother at Fifty-Five." Your description should create a dominant impression by conveying the person's characteristic approach to life. Be sure to select lively details that support this dominant impression.

ESSAY:
Working Title: The Warrior

My son, Nathaniel was two years old when he played his first organized sport. I suppose that, in fairness, anything involving a group of preschoolers could hardly be classified as organized. Nathaniel was excited about playing Tee-Ball, and so was I. Together, we shopped for the perfect equipment that would undoubtedly lead him directly into a career in Major League Baseball. He selected a blue Easton bat with black grip tape that was one of two that the store had to choose from. Meanwhile, his dad searched high and low for a left-handed glove. Still, I think that more than anything else he was most excited about the blue sports water bottle with a fold-down straw that we purchased for games and practices. We had talked endlessly about baseball for several weeks and finally, it was time for his very first practice.

We arrived at Nathaniel's first Tee-Ball practice on a cold Thursday evening in early March. There were probably around 16 co-ed preschoolers running amok with their winter coats, hats, and gloves on-each with their own baseball bat in hand. 16 children seemed like an awful lot for a baseball team. It turned out that the practice time-slot had been double booked and there were actually only 8 players representing Nathaniel's team, the Warriors. The two coaches decided to fix the error by having the children play an impromptu scrimmage. This proved to be, perhaps, the most amusing hour of activity of Nathaniel's young life. Each child got a chance to hit the ball off the tee and run to first base. When it was Nathaniel's turn, he knocked the tee over several times and ran happily toward second base. Next up was Liam--Nathaniel's best friend, neighbor, and now teammate. Liam got a nice hit and then proceeded to field his own ball rather than run to base. After their unsuccessful, but hilarious attempt at batting, the Warriors took to the field. There, Nathaniel and most of the other kids practiced digging holes and throwing loose dirt on each other. When the other team finally hit the ball into the field, the Warriors competed with one another for the ball. I suppose that the children all assumed that the obvious point of the game was acquisition of the ball and they were prepared to take down anyone that got in the way of that goal. At one point, Nathaniel and Liam tussled over the ball and Liam, the more aggressive of the two boys, emerged victorious. Nathaniel was angry at first but his easy-going nature allowed him to quickly brush off the defeat. As practice came to a close, the Warriors gathered for a pep talk from their coach. Nathaniel listened intently and nodded enthusiastically as though he were hanging on his coach's every word. The team then put their hands together and shouted "1-2-3; Go Warriors!" Nathaniel declared the practice an unequivocal success and could hardly wait for his first official game.

Over the course of the next week, Nathaniel constantly asked me about baseball. We practiced as a family in the backyard. We practiced in the cul-de-sac with Liam and other kids from the neighborhood. We practiced until we could practice no more. At last, opening day arrived with much fanfare. The league had planned a parade of teams for the entertainment of the player's families. The team met up before the parade to receive their uniforms. Nathaniel was absolutely adorable in his oversized maroon t-shirt with the number 1 written on the back. He wore tiny black baseball pants that desperately needed a belt, and a black cap that said "Warriors" concealed his white-blond hair. He truly looked like a tiny baseball player, and he was clearly proud of himself in that uniform. As the players took the field for the parade, I was snapping photos like mad. Some of the Warriors clumsily held on to their team's banner while others lagged a bit behind. They listened to a few brief announcements before it was finally time to begin the highly anticipated game.

The Warriors first opponent was an older-looking team called the Bulldogs. Neither team seemed to be particularly poised for battle. They were simply a bunch of adorable children looking to have a fun-filled Saturday. Our team was far more organized than they had been during that first practice. Nathaniel got a hit and much to my surprise, he ran straight for first base. He arrived safely and looked my way with a big, proud grin. Between innings, he came over to me for hugs and sips of water from his sports bottle that he'd carefully selected a few weeks before. When the Warriors took the field, they continued to battle for the ball. However, this time Nathaniel actually managed to acquire it and with direction from his coach he ran it to first base. Nathaniel did spend a good chunk of the game digging in the dirt, and Liam continued to try to field his own hits. Still, it was clear that the Warriors were making great progress.

As the season wore on, Nathaniel's excitement for the game never wavered. He became quite adept at both hitting and catching. He had developed a great respect and admiration for his coach and seemed to consider his teammates to be friends. I was as proud as he was of his considerable accomplishments. Above all else, he had had a really great time and is now enthusiastically looking forward to next season.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Apr 23, 2010   #2
When you insert an "extra" word or phrase, use a comma on each side: My son, Nathaniell, was two years old ...

We had talked endlessly about baseball for several weeks, and finally it was time for his very first practice.

Look for places to simplify, to intensify the reader's experience:
There were probably around 16 Sixteen co-ed preschoolers running ran amok with their...

The Warriors' first opponent was...

This will be better if you build some tension at the start by creating some conflict or emotional appeal... something to make the reader concerned about how the story will end.

:-)


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