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Water usage worldwide and comparison of water consumption in Brazil and the Congo

nabila05 8 / 12  
Apr 16, 2016   #1
The line graph provides data regarding water usage worldwide in three sectors: agriculture, industrial and domestic usage, over the twentieth century. The table concentrates on the utilization of water in two countries in two different continents in southern hemisphere i.e. Brazil in South America and the Congo in Africa, for the year 2000.

The most apparent feature of the line graph is the exponential rise in the demand for the water by the agriculture sector which increased five times over the century. Water required by households and industry was negligible in 1900 but a hundred years later, the requirement for water industry had overtaken domestic use but was still behind the need for agricultural production.

The table represents that in 2000 Brazil was more advanced in agricultural production than the Congo and had a much larger population i.e. 176 million compared to just over 5 million. As a result, land requiring irrigation in Brazil far surpassed the Congo as did the individual domestic water consumption.

ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Apr 16, 2016   #2
Nabila, I would like to say WELCOME to EssayForum family :) We are happy to see your first post here. In fact, I am glad that your first post is in a proper format (IELTS Task 1 with a picture), and then you need to give at least 1 space for every paragraph that you make. This will ease us in making some corrections or feedback towards your essay.

Before correcting some of your errors, I would like to say the fundamental part of IELTS task 1. You have to complete the way you wrote your report summary by composing at least 3 sentences for each paragraph. You accidentally weakening your paragraph by only writing 2 sentences. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

The line graph provides... The table concentrates... Overall,....

The first body paragraph of your essay also has the same issue. If you don't serve up the information from the graph or table in the proper way within the essay, you will badly damage your final grade in the essay. I suggest that you approach your first body paragraph in the following manner:

The most apparent... Water required... Water industry...

Please bear in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the graph or table you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. So the following still needs work.

The table represents... As a result,... In addition,...

There you are Nabila. I hope you find my feedback is helpful towards your future enhancement in IELTS writing.
I am waiting for the improvement of your next essay. Good luck! :)
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Apr 20, 2016   #3
Hi Nabila, I can see that you have received a very comprehensive remark here from one of the EF writers, I hope you follow through and incorporate these suggestions to your revision.

What I do suggest as an addition is below;

- in the southern

- for the water by
- and other industry
- wasis negligible in
- but was still behind for the
- need for the agricultural production.

- In 2000, theThe table
- represents that in 2000 Brazil was more
- the Congo as didwell as the individual

There you have it Nabila, I hope the corrections are useful and helpful to your revision. Should you need further assistance, do let us know and we will be here for you.

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