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In my way of thinking, children attending to private schools is reasonable idea. IELTS 2


suxiaojing 13 / 18 7  
May 5, 2016   #1
IELTS TASK 2: Some people think that students benefit greatly from going to private secondary...

Hi, i am little confused with the structure of "discuss", hope you can give me some suggestions as my target is band 7!!!

ESSAY: Nowadays, an increasingly number of parents incline to send their children to private schools, which has sparked off an intense debate among the public.Some people claim that students would become the major beneficiaries from this behavior, while others argue that this phenomenon exerts an adverse impact on the development of the children and the entire society. In this essay, I aim at discussing both views and giving my own opinion.

On the one hand, enabling children to accept education from private schools contributes to improving academic performances of students. It is simply because private schools invariably possess well-developed facilities and experienced teachers which not only can impart children with professional and abundant knowledge and skills but also can provide them with a comfortable and efficient learning environment, which is conductive for students to commit themselves to explore and achieve their potentials and to elevate their academic scores.

On the other hand, sending children to private schools poses a grave threat to their mental improvement. Unarguably, the majority of students who go to private schools are from comparatively wealthy families. Under such circumstance, those students are highly like to compare with their peers to satisfy their vanity and to achieve a sense of fulfillment by buying luxurious merchandise such as famous brand. As a result, the materialistic and ostentatious atmosphere will be saturated with the entire school, which would grievously affect academic performance of students and their correct values towards wealth and money.

Admittedly, sending children to private school would largely render parents to undertake a heavy financial burden as the tuition of private schools is rather high and expensive,which is detrimental to elevating the living quality and standard of those families. However, students who attend private schools are in a position to participate in an array of extra-curricular activities which are encouraged and organized by private schools. This can effectively stimulate their interests and curiosities towards different fields and develop their versatile capabilities and skills such as communication and cooperation skills, which would lay a solid foundation for their career developments.

Therefore, in my way of thinking, children attending to private schools is reasonable and feasible.

madmoiselle 21 / 33 5  
May 6, 2016   #2
knowledge and skills but also(,) can provide them with a comfortable and efficient learning environment

Hi su, I would say you have really a good essay, however I have some suggestions for you.

1. pay attention to punctuation mark
2. for the conclusion, i think in the last paragraph, you'd better to tie this [Therefore, in my way of thinking, children attending to private schools is reasonable and feasible ] to the prior paragraph instead of it only contains one sentence.

I believe you would get score more than your target :)
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
May 26, 2016   #3
Hi Su, here's my take on the essay you wrote.

- Nowadays, an increasingly number
- of parents are inclined to send
- sparked off an intense debate among the public( this part of the sentence is not necessary ) .
- fromof this behavior, while
- and giving my ownprovide my opinion.

- On the oneother hand,
- contributes to improvingthe improvement of
- academic performances of students.
- which will not only can
- but will also can provide them
- is conductiveconducive tofor students
- to commitcommitting themselves

There you have it Su, I hope the corrections help in enhancing the essay.
What I can draw from this is that, you have to be very careful in choosing your words, you tend to promote words that are unusual, not conversational, most of the time, the simpler the words, the easier it is for your readers to understand the purpose of your essay.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
May 27, 2016   #4
Xiao, I notice that there is no thesis statement in your essay. This is dangerous, and therefore you will not be able to address all parts of the task. I would like to show you a simple but powerful introduction paragraph with only four sentences.

Some people think that students benefit greatly from going to private secondary(i am not really sure about this question, seems incomplete, but I would like to try to make it anyway)

Paraphrase Question - There is an increasing number of students who enroll to private school rather than state school.
State both points of view - It is often argued that this is a positive development, whilst others disagree and think it will lead to adverse ramifications.

Thesis statement - It is agreed that some tremendous benefits will be earned by students.
Outline Sentence- This essay will discuss both points of view before coming to a reasoned conclusion.

Example:
There is an increasing number of students who enroll to private school rather than state school. It is often argued that this is a positive development, whilst others disagree and think it will lead to adverse ramifications. It is agreed that some tremendous benefits will be earned by students. This essay will discuss both points of view before coming to a reasoned conclusion.


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