Can you give me all your suggestions about this essay and the average score, please.
Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves?
Before answering the question if wealthy nations should maintain the wealth of poorer nations by supplying them food, by providing them medical assistance and so on or this responsibility relies on the governments of the poorer nations, I'd like to find out why one nation is called Ťwealthyť and why the other nation is called Ťpoorť. Among the wealthy nations I can point out the USA, the UK, France and Germany. They provide a high level of education, social security and high life expectancy. As for poorer nations, the child and adult mortality rate is high, a life span is low due to military conflict and epidemics, the fact that doesn't occur in wealthier countries, without talking about education.
Wealthy countries may provide different charity acts like giving raw materials, donating products or money to struggle against famine or giving specialists in different fields of economics, medicine, education and so on. Reach nations also happen to organize a variety of international events on the poorer countries' territories (sport, musical etc...) which could contribute economical raise of such countries. As for military support, it helps to preserve the independence and keep the peace inside the country. Assistance of wealthy countries is favorable to the development of both countries and creates a background for further collaboration.
However, the assistance may also cause negative effects: running the risk of being influenced by another state or being under its political interference and economical leverage. I suppose that every medal has its reverse, the aid shouldn't be aggressive, especially it's very important to be suspicious of the benefits of military supply benefits. I think that the USA shouldn't have provided its military assistance to Syrian opposition while the President of Syria asked for help to the official government. Thus, wealthy nations are free to share their wealth among poorer nations, but the assistance with military help should be very careful.
Maxim, at first, you need to write your title clearly. This will help us to check whether this is an IELTS writing task, TOEFL writing task, other piece of writings. You can mention 'IELTS Task 2: Wealthy nations......', then it will be clear enough for us to notice that this is an IELTS writing task 2 essay. Moreover, you also have to put at least 1 space for each paragraph in order to ease us in checking your essay.
With regards to your essay, I think you need to have more practices because your essay has not become a well-organized one. You were over-using 'personal pronoun', this makes your essay less formal. Therefore, you need to reduce it to the lowest level possible. As far as I know, many essays are pretty clear about this part. Personal pronoun is usually placed in introduction paragraph and conclusion paragraph.
Thus, because of your jumbling sequences of your paragraphs, some inappropriate formats, and lack of conclusion, I think this essay cannot go beyond 5.0.
So, these are my suggestions:
- Read as many as possible many sample answers of IELTS, especially IELTS writing task 2.
- Analyze the pattern of sample answers that you read, usually it consists of 1 introduction paragraph (2 or 3 sentences), 2 body paragraphs (more than 3 sentences for each), 1 conclusion paragraph (2 or 3 sentences).
- You can also make a good introduction paragraph by paraphrasing the facts and questions (not directly copy it or by mentioning directly what the question is about) and then wrap it up in a 1 paragraph, and do not forget to write a thesis statement at the last part of the introduction in order to address the reader what are they going to read in body 1 and body 2.
- Lastly, you can create a good conclusion paragraph by paraphrasing your introduction paragraph, thesis statement, and do not forget to add a recommendation, fear, or hope for the future to make it as a 'final thought'. This is really effective to express the writer's overall opinion about the topic. This is also one way to leave an impression and encourage readers to think about this topic further.
