Hi chomphunut , here are some problems of you:
1. NExt time you should include the type of essay you are writing, say, Ielts, toefl or sat, so it is easier for us to assess :D
Our world has divided countries into two types which are developing and industrialized ones, because of the difference of income and the standard of education, health care and social welfare.(in short it is the living standard) People usually debate whether the wealthy nations should assist poorer countries in term of academics, economics, food and other needs.
The 1st and 2nd sentences does not link together :D
Some people claim it should be the responsibility of government in each country who takes care of its citizen. The reason is if the poor nations depend on the contribution from rich ones only, the difficulty will be better for a short term. However, it would go down once again if the rich stop donating to the poverty. In addition, the corruption of the administrations of poor countries is a crucial factor that the donation cannot reach to the population.(are you sure that governments in such countries are corrupted? this is a fallacy!)
On the other hand, sometimes the issue of one country may also be the trouble for the global humanity(humanity is already global, so you should not use it) . To illustrate, Africans confront with the cruel lack and disease. Especially, the dramatic Ebola epidemic in the area should be controlled and took care immediately from the well financial nations. Educated medical staffs and effective disease controlled drug should be sent to this afflicted area. Otherwise, the break out of Ebola may kill the entire world population.
-> this paragraph solely lists out examples, while the cruciality is that you must provide enough supporting ideas. Afterall, the cases that you mention is just small ones, because there are way more examples all over the world.
In conclusion, I am strongly convinced that people should
be give and share towith each other; even we are inhave the different nationalities. Anyways, the essential thing which the wealthy countries give to the third world may not the financial factor, but the well-education should be provided. Therefore, those emergent nations can develop and eventually become in advanced economicseconomies .
I think you should write much more to improve your skills and language use. You should learn to write more neatly and clearly, and of course, grammatically right (there are still many mistakes in your essay)
And also improve your ideas. NExt time, please give more supporting ideas to the topic so that your essay might sound more professional and convincing. Examples are good, but they are just the minor part afterall.