Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4


natashaebab 3 / 9 1  
Jun 26, 2018   #1
Question: Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations such thing as foods and education? Or is it the responsibility of the government of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves?

Help if possible and don't forget about own citizens

My Answer:

Many nations are considered to be in the third world country. These countries have the capabilities to share what they have to other poorer nations like giving basic needs and proper education. This act is a form of international camaraderie within the nations. However, a government is responsible to improve its citizens to have a livelihood to acquire basic needs especially in poorer country.

We have known a lot of country that can stand alone without the help of other. Those which have a progressive economy and rich with resources. They have the capabilities to extend a help to other unfortunate country to at least attain food as their basic needs and formal education to the children. For instance, United States of America have contributed water and food in the remote area in South Africa where in some part suffers famine. Russia offered educational funds to put schools a secluded town of Haiti so that children do not need to travel long distances to attend classes.

In contrast to that, government of poorer country also have the responsibility to lift up their citizens. The government should know how to improve the livelihood of people within their area. They should be encouraged to use up their resources for them to survive in daily lives. In addition, not the only government to blame why the country became poor but also on the citizen. If people are wise enough to create a source of income such as in agriculture and crops, they will surely survived. The government has all the tools and resources to contribute to its citizens.

Taking all into considerations, wealthy nations should help other poorer country because they have all the capabilities to do so and sharing improve the relationship internationally. But then again, it is the responsibility of the government to improve its people and of course, with the active participation of its citizens.

Disclaimer: The example I used is not factual.

Kino18 2 / 4  
Jun 26, 2018   #2

The essay is a good attempt, however, could do with few structural modifications.

1) The intro consists of background statement (topic sentence paraphrased) and thesis ( that is your opinion). It is best to start your opinion with a clear statement such as "In my opinion".

2) In conclusion, it is advisable to conclude with a statement "In conclusion" and restating your opinion.

It is easier for the examiner to locate information base on marking criteria that have clear titles.

By the way in your essay question, it is hard to understand what type of essay you are writing. It's better to copy and paste the whole question as it is.

Wishes you best with your endeavors.
OP natashaebab 3 / 9 1  
Jun 26, 2018   #3

Thanks you so much. I will work on that. Honestly, I am not sure what type of questions is this. I thought it was open ended? Btw, this question is taken exactly from Cambridge Practice Test.
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,293 2855  
Jun 27, 2018   #4
Ebab, this is a direct question essay that asks you to pick one opinion in response to the question. Every time you see the word OR in the original prompt that is an indicator that it is a single opinion discussion essay. In this case, it is a single opinion response to a direct question. Speaking of the original prompt, your paraphrasing is unclear. You said "third world countries" when these are the very countries that require help. The correct term would have been "first world countries" as the affluent countries that give aid is oftentimes described as "first world". The proper paraphrase for this is:

A discussion regarding foreign aid to poorer nations has been taking for some time now. Some countries believe that the first world countries are duty bound to help the third world nations when it comes to basic necessities such as food and education. My personal take on this matter is that the poor nation's government has the full responsibility of making sure their citizens have access to their basic needs.

Make sure that your opening statement is an accurate depiction of the original discussion statement and instructions. If you change any reference, you will end up changing the prompt discussion and such mistakes can cause you to fail the TA scoring section. In this instance, you used the term third world to refer to the first world countries, that would have affected not only your TA score but your LR score as well because you are misusing a term, proving that your English vocabulary is not only limited, but that you do not understand the meaning of English terms either.

Your disclaimer is useless to us as reviewers because in an actual test, you are expected to use factual popular information, you cannot make things up. You have to prove that you have a working knowledge of current events as well as part of the TA considerations. For your next practice tests, use popular information in a manner that shows how you best understand the discussion topic and your ability to discuss it in English.